I did agree. In California if you are married under 10 years and you can't agree on things and it goes to court they basically add up all the marital assets and all the marital debt and split them 50/50. Child support is based on some complicated software program that is supposed to ensure "fairness". There is no provision to maintain a standard of living that the kids are used to etc. The state calculation was $960. He will actually pay $1000 - plus pay about $600 a month for D3s preschool (which benefits him as well). When she goes to kindergarten he is supposed to then begin funding their college accounts with that amount. That part was important to me. My logic is that there are well established statistics that children of divorce are more likely to struggle in school, have substance abuse problems, not graduate etc. Since this was his choice - I feel he has a certain ethical responsibility to fund these. He will also pay for 50% of medical and extracurricular expenses.
There isn't any alimony because we make about the same amount. I "get" the house and the mortgage (not much equity since we just bought it.
I'll be ok financially - and I can row my own boat (although that early retirement I dreamed of just got a lot harder). That being said - there is no doubt that after a few years he will definitely have a lot more disposable income than I will (his current living expenses are about a 1/3 of mine)
He'll be paying off Uncle Sam and the State of California for a while though. Since we're filing separately this year - he has no deductions (I get to take the girls and the mortgage interest) and he cashed out that retirement account. I know how much he has withheld from his paycheck and I estimate he will owe about $18,000 for Federal and who knows how much to the state.
T0 - There are probably coyotes around here. Definitely bears, mountain lions and foxes. I understand the key is to make sure the chickens are in their secure coop before sundown. I would have loved to experiment with beekeeping, but one of the neighbors tried and the local bear kept raiding the hive despite all the security fences!
Thanks for the explanation, raliced. I'm always interested in how things are going to work out financially. My situation is entirely different, been M a lot longer, H makes many multiples of what I do, kids are all older. I think it's grossly unfair that the LBW is financially penalized for the whims of a WAH, but that's often the case. So far we have kept everything exactly as it was before S. We paid off our mortgage last January and he's using that to pay his apartment now. Obviously by design, I just didn't realize what was going on. Sometimes I get really p*ssed at the amount he's spending on a pricey apartment, furniture, trips, etc. But all my needs are being met, I'm in the same house, my kids are at the same private schools, it's hard to complain. So I'm not. I'm keeping my mouth shut and hoping this financial arrangement continues for a long time.
Some minor GAL activity - I ordered the chicken coop (I'll have to assemble it myself), got a free book on kindle about poultry care and signed up for a half day course on the subject so that I will know how to care for my new feathered friends.
I keep thinking about my STBX's newly acquired cowboy persona. I don't know if this comes across in my posts - but I'm a pretty mellow person. If he had wanted to go western in the marriage, I wouldn't have batted an eye at it. I guess I keep thinking that he feels "free" to do all kinds of things now, and it alternately irritates me/makes me sad because its not like I ever had him on any kind of leash. Maybe my perception of his need for freedom is wrong or mind reading. I dunno.
I work as a data analyst. I'm very good at what I do, which is finding the root cause of problems. And of course - I'm trying to translate some of that into my personal life. I find myself in a quandary here. I feel like I really need to understand what went wrong so that I can avoid those problems in the future (I know I avoided conflict and I'm working on that)- but at the same time, I feel like I need to accept that I'll never understand some of what happened here.
And really I guess the ultimate question I'm wrestling with and that occupies my head at quiet moments is "Could I have done something to prevent this or was it unavoidable"? The counselors all say he is MLC, but I feel like that is giving me too much of an easy pass.
raliced, likely you'll never be able to make sense of why it happened, and I doubt that anything you could have done would have made a difference. Even if you had been the perfect wife, if he was having an MLC he would find faults with you as part of his self-reasoning to leave. It's always good to strive for self-improvement, but do it for you, and not in reaction to any nonsense that he might have spewed on the way out. I'm sure you didn't hold him back from being a cowboy. (That just sounds ridiculous.) My H has turned into a hipster since leaving -- it's pretty hilarious actually. It makes me realize how shallow his self-identity is if he thinks it can be altered just by growing a beard and dressing in a certain way. These are people who are struggling with their identity. Just be glad that you have a strong sense of self -- and there will be people out there who appreciate you for who you are.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Just saw STBX so that he could give me D3 (2 nights a month he has D6 for an extra night so they can spend some one on one time with each other). We met at the library and D6 had been allowed to pick her clothes herself and was wearing some stuff that STBX and OW must have bought for her. Things that I would have never bought in a million years (sort of a lime green princessy thing- totally inappropriate for school).
I. hate. this. I hate that my daughter is wearing clothes that OW picked out. I just hate it. Its one thing to dress STBX up like Wyatt Earp but hands off the kid.
I know this comes with the territory and I have to sukk it up. But arrgh.
Wyatt Earp -- that is too funny. Maybe the lime green princess thing could get ruined in the wash? Let her wear it on the playground until it's in tatters? I'm sure you'll come up with a creative solution.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
There's been some discussion about MAFM/WAFV on a few threads and it jogged my memory about something.
If anyone is a podcast listener you might want to check out the episode of "This American Life" that was released this week (It's titled "Reunited" , I believe). The first story deals with a marriage that broke up and then got back together (MAFM/WAFV is briefly mentioned).
It's not a perfect fit with most of our stories here as some of the issues are cultural (a big factor in the relationship is that the couple came from Iran, and it wasn't until they got to this country that divorce was even an option) - but it certainly still resonated with me. And was a bit of an uplift! Maybe a nice way to start the weekend.
raliced, my D16 had a few things go missing in the wash when she was about 6. And it was grandma who picked them out, not an OW! Things happen, you know?
I'm keeping my mouth shut and hoping this financial arrangement continues for a long time.