I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[Frank75]

Don't think about lawyers and dividing stuff up and all that right now. You don't know what will happen, and thinking about it is just going to make you feel worse. I know that's much easier said than done though - I felt the same when I first got the bomb dropped on me, and I was panicking about finances too. It's still such a new wound, let yourself feel sadness now. And then once you've felt the first wave of sadness, you can start to pick up and GAL. It's hard though. I spent many days in bed crying, not able to get up, and I really felt it wouldn't get better. Reading DR helped me so much though (have you read the books?) and made me feel like I could, at least, control myself.

I know i'm just in panic mode right now and it's almost like being fired and given a box and 5 minutes to pack up. I know that's not true, just how i feel right now.

Luckily I work from home and this week has been slow because i alternate between being hysterical and being borderline comatose throughout the day.

For some reason today I decided to look at old pics of us. So heartbreaking, we were so happy, she's so beautiful, she was such a good person and i'm responsible for all of this. I don't think i've ever felt this level of anguish in my life, even when my grandparents and mother in law died. I feel like i'm being torn to pieces.

I'm not sure I understood, do you think you want to/could go visit your family? I don't know what sort of relationship you have with them, but I don't think you necessarily need to talk with them about the situation. You could just "be" with them, or talk about other stuff, and only talk about it if and when you feel like it. Although if you see that internalizing everything got you into the predicament then a really good first step/180 might be to start talking.

I want to go back to visit, we have a great relationship. I just don't want to tell them about this yet and i'm an emotional guy to begin with and i know if i went there i'd see them and immediately break down. I don't want to burden anyone with that, much less my parents. They absolutely love my wife, she's the daughter they never had and the sister my younger brother never had. It will tear them apart i'm sure too.