I'm just utterly gutted right now :(

[susana4]

That's about all I can do, but it's cold and 2 feet of snow on the ground right now. I did it today anyway, trudged a mile to our mailbox and back, crying like a baby the entire time.

As for the finances, I don't even know. It's causing me panic attacks just because we have no debt but we live in a house her mom willed to her. I have rights to it, due to us selling another house and moving here but i can't even begin to think about divorce lawyers and stuff like that right now as much as i should. Thinking about moving out and into an apartment is just too much. Everything we have here is ours, everything. Thinking about going through the cold motions of splitting things up and stuff like that makes me sick to my stomach.

Don't think about lawyers and dividing stuff up and all that right now. You don't know what will happen, and thinking about it is just going to make you feel worse. I know that's much easier said than done though - I felt the same when I first got the bomb dropped on me, and I was panicking about finances too. It's still such a new wound, let yourself feel sadness now. And then once you've felt the first wave of sadness, you can start to pick up and GAL. It's hard though. I spent many days in bed crying, not able to get up, and I really felt it wouldn't get better. Reading DR helped me so much though (have you read the books?) and made me feel like I could, at least, control myself.

We're in a weird situation. We moved to my wife's childhood home a few years ago. It's basically off-grid and the closest "town" is like an 80 mile round trip. Neither of us have real friends here and to be honest I've never found it easy to make them even if people lived around here. My entire family is on the other side of the country, as much as I hate it there i love my family and i feel like that would be the best thing for me right now. But i also don't feel like talking about any of this with anyone...probably because i'm a man and internalize everything....which is also how i got into this predicament

I'm not sure I understood, do you think you want to/could go visit your family? I don't know what sort of relationship you have with them, but I don't think you necessarily need to talk with them about the situation. You could just "be" with them, or talk about other stuff, and only talk about it if and when you feel like it. Although if you see that internalizing everything got you into the predicament then a really good first step/180 might be to start talking.