Jim0987 #10 - getting ready for mk8

[jim0987]

Thank you all. Although i got very little sleep and my house is depressingly quiet and empty this morning I do not feel the same level of despair.

I understand her views but disagree. I hope one day that the truth will out.

It is possible to view that I emotionally abused her. I was at times so wrapped up in my hurt and my anguish that i didnt understand the impact i was having or the hurt my wife felt at my words. There were occassions where i withdrew deliberately to see 'if she would notice' as i felt neglected and ignored, it did not occur to me that she wouldnt pursue she would withdraw herself.

So yes it is possible to argue that my actions over a prolonged period hurt and upset my wife but to do so is to assume the dynamic was entirely one way and that my wifes behaviour was perfect. I do not wish to but i could equally create a scorecard of the ways in which my wife was/is 'controlling' and i felt 'abused' and 'neglected'

The abuse she refers to of recent months has been the times where she has been clearly lying about her whereabouts and I have questioned the inaccuaracies in what she says or the two/three occassions i have referred to OM1. If there was abuse here it was through manipulation of her sense of guilt.

I am aware that she is apologising to her sister for not being there for them over the last few years. This is the same sister who has visited 4 times in 5 years, never phones except when she wants something and regularly takes advantage of the rest of her family.

I think this is my way of saying I know i did wrong and i know i made mistakes but it reflects a poor dynamic in our relationship. There are two books that to me have best described the issues in our Marriage - NMMNG and MAFM,WAFV. I believe the 'truth' of our issues lie somewhere in these descriptions.

Anyway I am now about to head out the door to collect my kids fo the day. with them. It should be an odd day in my furnitureless house but i imagine D3 will find that an adventure - even if it makes lunch a bit tricky.

When i visit her house i intend to be warm, caring and friendly. I will also be taking her a small box of chocolates i bought in belgium as a gift to welcome her into her new house.

I know this is not DB’g but i have spent a lot of time the last week or so thinking about who i am and how i want to live my life by certain rules (i will post about this separately in a day or two) and for me that means certain things.

I am considering a short letter but i may well just say this or something like it to her. This the draft of what I intend to say

Wife,

I cannot begin to fully understand what you have gone through and what you have felt these past 4 months and I am only now beginning to understand how you felt in the months/years leading up to your decision to leave. I do know that I have tried to support your decision as best I can through what has been the hardest and most emotionally charged time of my life. I do also recognise that it may not have felt that way for you and so for any part I have played that has made it feel harder or more difficult then I am truly sorry.

I want you to know that I have always loved you and that your happiness means the world to me. I would have done anything to support you in finding that happiness and to make our marriage work, it will be the single greatest regret of my life that it took you leaving to make me understand what you needed from me and the ways in which I could and should have done better.

You have asked me to let you go and so that is what I must do. I will respect your decision and do my best to honour the time we had together by being the best parent I can to our children and being the man you always deserved and always hoped I could be.

I wish nothing but happiness for you in your new home.

With love, always

Jim


On reflection I probably shouldnt say anything of the sort and let my actions speak for themselves. She will either recognisesthese or not but that shouldnt change what I do and how I behave. Instead i must as i said before, just hope that the truth will out

[jim0987]

And she has left everything relating to our wedding behind. I feel that says it all really.

[jim0987]

So the pickup went OK. It was a but stunted but we chatted. I could have validated more but in the whole we were both friendly and relatively warm.

We also both nearly cried as I left.

[gan]

Hi Jim. Just catching up. I hear your pain and wish it wasn't so. Those first few days are incredibly painful but it will get better.

FWIW I liked your letter. You expressed your remorse in a kind way and did well not to point any fingers at W. But who knows how she would interpret it in her WAW world if you gave it to her.

Hold D3.5 tight today.

(((Jim)))

[edz]

Morning Jim

sorry first opportunity Ive had to check in this morning. So sorry for the way you felt yesterday, you know I know how that feels, in my case once when w left and fil swept around behind her loading up boxes and again splitting everything up. I know.

Dont think you want a hug from me but my hand is on your shoulder mate. It does get better, it does, spend time with your children, enjoy them attempt to refocus on them and start to make your home about you and them it will take time but it will happen.

I liked your letter I'm not sure if you should give it to her though, you know I've had many a STFU from the forums on emailing and texting too much. I wrote a similar letter and sent it in the first few weeks but my w didnt take anything from it other than a launching off point to tell me what else she thought couldnt work. I invite others thoughts on it but it was well crafted and honest.

Im sorry you hurt today, you will hurt less tomorrow and onward, try to think about what you will do for you and the kids now and going forward I know its nearly impossible but focussing on something else will help keep you from becoming too introspective (based on my experience).

Again, it will get better.

Oh and the wedding stuff, get some vacuum or dust proof boxes, pack it all carefully and put it in the loft or storage or somewhere it will be 100% safe but not always being bumped into. My advice is keep some photos of the family but try not to have huge reminders everywhere, take new photos with the kids and get pictures made so you know you are not alone and have them regardless of what happens with your w.

[Dawn70]

Oh Jim...my heart breaks for you, but please know that I am hugging you and praying for you from a distance. Hang in there...things WILL get better!

[Vanilla]

Jim

Leave the letter. it's beautifully written and expresses emotion and you can decide later when you are more rested. Your actions speak much louder though.

Wedding stuff perhaps she left it because she felt it meant more to you, or to be hurtful or spiteful, or because she has no room in her car trunk or because it's too painful.

Pack it away carefully and leave it alone out of sight for the time being. Build new memories not stir old ones. If you R with W then have new pictures and perhaps vow renewal. That would be my plan.

In the meanwhile, get yourself some good GAL plans. Perhaps you remember Littles joy in building her new home, Edz, Mza and HP are all good guides in this.

Peace tonight

Vanilla

[Sotto]

Hey Jim

I have the same problem as you - what to do with the wedding stuff and other things that are really sentimental - jewellery that was a present from H etc. For now, I'm putting it all into a suitcase under the bed in the spare room. I just don't know what I want to do yet with my little wedding jacket etc. Anything that falls into that category...Into the case!

At some point, I'll be ready to go through the case and decide what to do with the stuff. The case belonged to my grandfather, who was a travelling salesman. So, I think he would be pleased to know that using his old case in this way is helping me right now...

[edz]

Morning Jim, how goes it today?

Did you get the snow, colleagues of mine in leeds said they had quite a dumping of it but its melted this morning. It's sunny down here which always helps the mood. How's it going with you my friend?

[edz]

Hi Jim

How's it going this evening?