Strong EA after 2yrs M - trying to detach. #3

[Complex]

Wonder when you are going to get annoyed 25yr, a) for telling me the same things over and over again b) for me thanking you for it!

Thanks for the very structured response and advice.

So W told me at BD that she had feelings for that guy. I busted out in tears etc. she wanted to try to save our M. It didn't click again between us. Felt forced. We didn't get outside help. I was devastated and didn't make the changes I had to.
I asked W 2-3 times if OM is still in the picture. And she lied to me and said no, or stretched it somehow like, 'that's not the real issue here, I see him at work, that's it'.

Wow, when I think about it now. Everything is coming together. I was delusional. And ya of course when she 'had enough' and we separated she went to OM right away and told him and they bonded.
I need to share this new insight with my DB coach and my therapist next week. Like you said I don't have to agree with what my wife did..but after all I really understand her feelings. I don't think I have all along.

But eventually I have to forgive myself for my mistakes. I'm too hard on myself. DB coach told me that too. There's only one way and that is forward.

What do you mean by scorecard? I know I always blame, keep score who is doing what wrong or right etc. big complaint by my wife too.

I mean right now I'm completely over talking with her about anything. I'm just doing my thing and DB for as long as I need to. Is there a point when she maybe opens up again where I have a chance to truly tell her that I screwed up and totally understand what happened, and that I'm sorry...and how do I identify that point? I mean I did that already but it lost its value through too much talking and no deep understanding. Right now it doesn't matter I KNOW,..see I KNOW...I don't even know why I'm asking then. Too focused on the IFs still.

Family, what do you mean by non-factor? Relevant about them is a) they will be very sad to see me go b) I don't want to "cut" them out of my life, but it's HER family and I don't want to offend her. To at least a couple of cousins I have a very good friendship that will last. So what does DB say? Let them completely go? That wouldn't feel right. Of course I have to treat them with the utmost of respect and not interfere with anything my W is doing!?


Staying on my path. I knew it's not going to be easy, so I have to stop complaining! I have a therapist appointment on Monday. I'm curious what her approach is. It's through Kaiser Permanente, she seems to be a very legit pro marriage family counselor on the Christian side.