Broken Heart...What now?

[Train]

Dear Pink,

I'm new to your story but just read through this thread.

I LOVE that you are sweet *AND* "spicy"! You have a feisty spirit, and I admire that!

I'm going to try to give you a "silver lining", okay? MWD *does*, in fact, suggest not to "snoop." I won't put words in her mouth, and I hope I'm not way off-base when saying this: But in my personal experience, the "do not snoop" rule applies mostly to the period *after you have "snooped" to confirm an A*. Once you have knowledge of the A, continued snooping is unnecessary and serves only to hurt you.

Pink, I think it's GOOD that you did what you did! Why? Because:

1. Your health is more important than your M. You need to know if your H is having an A so that you are taking no risks if you guys were being intimate.

2. (And this is the long one): As are conducted under a shroud of secrecy and RISK. They thrive mostly because the participants are facing no real-world problems or struggles or consequences for their behavior; they're living in a literal fantasy world with NO problems ... only lust and fulfillment and happy brain-chemicals. Guess what? You just took all that away! And from everything I've ever read (and I've read a lot), discovering and exposing an A tends to drastically decrease its duration. That's mainly because now, your H and OW are saddled with the fear and stress of you knowing and what you're going to do. (This would be especially nerve-racking for OW if she's M.) So all of a sudden, their secret, risky, passionate, fun rendezvous are plagued by stress and worry. In other words: Welcome to the REAL world, H and OW!!! Let's see how "perfect" OW is NOW!

Not only have I read about this being the case, Pink. I've lived it. Twice. The first time? I didn't know my H was cheating, but I had suspicions, and I felt I needed to know. I noticed a car that kept showing up at the house he was living in, practically right across the street from our marital home. (Gross, right?) I saw one day that H was home on his lunch break ... and that same car was in the driveway. (My H and I, at that point, had decided to try to reconcile.) I had a shirt to take to H, so I stopped by - despite (actually, BECAUSE OF) the "suspicious" car in the driveway. I knocked on the door but no one came. The door was unlocked and cracked open, so I allowed myself in. I walked to my H's bedroom, and his door was cracked open. I opened it and found him in bed with OW. (I was four months pregnant at the time.)

It was awful, Pink, so I can totally feel that kick-in-the-gut you felt this week (and still feel now). But my H's A only lasted one more month after that.

He cheated again last year (due to the fact that when we "pieced" our M back together the first time, we didn't do it right). But this time? Because I can smell an A from a mile away now, I confronted him without a shred of evidence in-hand - and he admitted to it - less than one month after the A had started. Once I found all I needed to confirm the A - and once H started disrespecting me to my face - I kicked him out of the house (looking back, I'm not convinced this was the best choice) and went to a L to start our D. I set some pretty firm boundaries around myself. Meanwhile, I worked on the things about me that I needed to change to make me a better person and a better spouse to him, if he came back willing to REALLY work on our M, or to another partner down the road. And I remained confident and neighborly and upbeat every time H would see me. I never, ever let him see me sweat, as HARD as that was.

His A was over about two months after I confronted him about it. And, Pink, I *did* stop snooping after I had all the information I needed because further snooping would only hurt ME.

All that to say: I think you have handled yourself brilliantly, especially in making yourself unavailable to H after catching him and while your emotions are understandably running hot. And you quite possibly just abruptly shortened the length of time your H would have spent in his A. (That is not guaranteed, of course.)

So what now?

Using my own experience: My H's As have catapulted us into a world of knowing that a good, solid, healthy, happy M takes WORK. I wouldn't wish an A on my worst enemy. But JTB is right: Affairs often lead to some of the strongest Ms out there because they're built from the ground up by two imperfect people who are committed to learning how Ms really work ... and putting all they learn into practice. They realize love is fragile and has to be nurtured. They no longer take one another for granted.

But you can't work on your M until your H ends his A for good and comes back to you, asking what it will take to get back into the M.

You don't have to think about that now. NOW is the time to work on Pink. Take some time to be angry. But let that anger catapult you into taking care of YOU. Go burn some energy in a healthy way!

I'm here in your corner and wishing you all the best!