Strong EA after 2yrs M - trying to detach. #3

[25yearsmlc]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2527967#Post2527967


Very quick summary:

- EA discovered 2 weeks ago. Ongoing for 6 months. W told me about it at BD 6 months ago.


This^^ probably isn't very important but I'm a little confused. You say you "discovered" the affair 2 weeks ago but you also say "W told me...6 months ago", so, can you clarify that for me?


After that she wanted to S because our M problems were deep.
- We married fast, 1 year T only, I moved for her. Very romantic 'vacation' love. I knew she's the one from the start.
- we weren't able to build on M much. Lacking deep communication, to much fighting and tension early on.
- I settled, she wanted more from her life. I lost myself in the M.

Granted, this^^ is a short short summary, but it does not make those issues small. As you said, you "Settled" but I thought you said, that she told you back then, that it bothered her.

So in her mind, probably, she has already tried and gave you months or a year or so, to get back on track.

Does this^^ matter? Only in that you need to see HER point of view a bit more. I think that will help you validate her beliefs without agreeing with them.

Remember though, even if you do "agree" with a lot of what she says, you're allowed to have screwed up. I don't think admitting it hurts you.



- EA got stronger and stronger. W lied about it.

Ok, you mention the lying, a lot. My question is NOW, why does that matter?

I mean, isn't the issue that her feelings grew, not that she lied about it?

I'm beginning to sense a "scorecard" in you and that does not help you at all.


- Her best friend supporting D
- W now rushing into D. No real D talk yet, but I know she thought---- everything through and made her decision to finally D me and to be with OM.

Complex, I believe you must Stop the mind reading and predictions. They do NOT help you. Seriously.

- W and OM seem to 'wait' for each other to legitimate their R


Again, this^^ assuming, mind reading and predicting are NOT helping you.

- Greencard application due in 2 months. Seems to be all the time I can buy.
- Family not involved yet (W has big awesome family)

If you have a good relationship with them, that's great!!

But why list it here as a non factor? What is relevant about it?

I hope you are NOT coming up with another "plan" - that is not what your DB Coach suggested doing....

Stay on YOUR path.


- I have a very very hard time to detach after I found out she lied about OM, can't sleep, eat, work. DBing going well tho.


A big part of DBing is taking care of yourself. Can you take better care of yourself?

Yes, and you must. It's a huge vital piece of DBIng. REALLY it is.

2 more things Complex.

First, I'm going to cross thru the things below, that you need NOT worry about b/c

1) they may not be true or accurate and 2) you cannot KNOW these things anyhow and 3) they are beyond your control! Let go of what you cannot control.

Second, I'm going to list some ways to detach, b/c you cannot heal without detaching and you cannot detach, without GAL.


Probably mostly need help on "hard cases" where D is very close. What can I do to postpone? Even if she does hit rock bottom during D process her friend will support her. When family gets involved
I think she will tell them "I thought everything through and I'm 100% sure about my decision, please respect it". (I know it's an assumption, she's a rather rational person tho).

I do NOT want D by the way. But I need ways to detach better and GAL. I have the problem that I don't have many friends here, mostly mutual, and no family.

GAL gets you the friends b/c it means you JOINED and or EXPLORED and or STUDIED and or CONTRIBUTED TO and or VOLUNTEERED something...

Which of these ^^ things can you do, this month? (I'll post a list soon).

In my opinion, GAL includes meeting NEW people - people who don't know your situation so you can obsess LESS. Get your mind OFF of your w.


But I want to stay, going back home to Germany is not an option right now. She also is the bread giver. I make significantly less money, could barely survive on it. Mostly I think with my change of heart we could make this M work. But she is gone, completely gone.

1) MAYBE she is "gone", maybe not; and 2) if so, she can return.

So don't harp on it so much. It does not help you. DBing 101 means doing what works and NOT doing what does not work.

It does not help YOU to have a negative attitude, so why not work on having a more positive one? I'm not saying to count on something and get "expectations" up, but you can have hope without setting yourself up to feel worse.

I HAVE to detach and let it go. But I will DB and give this M my best shot so I won't regret in the end...I wish she could do the same.

To heal, we must detach.

To detach, we must GAL.

To GAL we must get out of our "comfort zones" and push the envelope so that we go places and do things we might not ever have gone or done, but we do anyhow.

And we grow. And we become the better versions of ourselves, and we GAL even more and our attitudes about ourselves improves as we improve...

and we Detach, and we heal...and we become our best selves.

And that's ^^ NOT a small thing. That is a victory in itself.

In time, sometimes, the WAS turns to see what they left behind and if we have done our work, we look darn good to the WAS....

and sometimes that leads to a change in them, and sometimes that leads to a new, better relationship. It can happen.

Even If you do divorce, I have 2 family members who divorced only to later remarry their former spouses.

It's not the "end all" of everything. It's a piece of paper.

Yes, YOU have one unique thing that can complicate matters, which is your green card status. But from what you've said elsewhere, she's willing to help you out on that issue.

So, is the fear of having to return to Germany, really a likely scenario? If not, I'd let it go.