I need some advice please. I am looking at moving out as soon as possible. renting somewhere and leave our tenants in our other house. I need to move on and cant whilst still here whilst my wife is still involved with OM. I have no idea what the situation is between them now. But she is still working with him so as far as im concerned she still chooses to be with him. I have seen on these boards though that I should not move out. The problem is I cant afford to live here on my own if my wife moved out. How will she see any consequences though if she gets to stay in her house without really losing anything? My daughter will be here half the week and our cat (silly I know but I love him to) Will the fact that im no longer around to fetch and carry be enough that she thinks about what she is doing?
Well you could move out and stop making your contribution...
Of course it would be better if she couldn't afford and had to move out.
Wife and daughter have come home. Daughter is very upset about an incident at school today. I gave her a great big hug and talked to her about it. It was her fault but I couldn't bring myself to be angry at her not when I know what's coming.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Many people on the board do say not to move out. But if you can't afford to remain there and you want to separate, that may be what you need to do. I moved out, but my sitch was different in that we have no kids and H's S lived with us at weekends. At the time, I just went to stay with my parents for a bit, and then that became more permanent when H didn't end the A. Looking back, I wouldn't have wanted to disrupt SS anyway.
In terms of consequences, of course there are plenty of these if you S. There is the huge consequence of no longer being a family together in a home with your D. There are also financial consequences, social consequences (how will others react). There is also the consequence that the R with OM will take the 'strain' if you are not living together and providing practical and moral support.
So, whilst many aren't in favour of moving out, I would say do what you need to do in the circumstances. Do what is best for you and to give your D the best home life possible if you do separate. Sorry she had a tough day. Hope she's feeling all better now.
Toots :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Toots makes perfect sense (as always) up above. I'd encourage you to check my threads I moved out and w moved back in after w went to live with her mum with our s BUT we rented our place which has different repercussions and s has his own room in both our old place and my new place.
Take it easy, breathe, take your time...
M:44, W:46, S:10 M 13 years, T 15 BD:23/7/2014 W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014 My new place: 21/11/2014 W/S back to flat 22/11/2014 W coming closer, talking 4/2015 Piecing 5/2015 Moving in again 6/2015
I really don't know what to do. This morning I was dead set on moving out. Now not so sure. It will shatter my daughters world but then it is going to get shattered at some point. If I don't go my wife will. I'm also sleeping on the couch. At some point she is going to see this. There is a lot on tension between me and wife. We watched tv together tonight and we talked just general chit chat. She sounds like my wife, looks like my wife but althiugh still married she is not my wife. Not at the moment and possibly ever. Think I'll go and see this house tomorrow. Then speak to my wife see what she says. As far as OM it's not going to stop. They own a business together. At some point the reality will kick in. You can't be in a secret affair for ever. Maybe if they wanted to live together. Who knows. But I can't just hang around hoping. I've spent 6 months in the dark hoping when in her mind she had already gone I need to get on with my own life. It's only been a week since the BD. Am i being to hasty
Last edited by SRD; 01/22/1510:22 PM.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
I really don't know what to do. This morning I was dead set on moving out. Now not so sure. It will shatter my daughters world but then it is going to get shattered at some point. If I don't go my wife will. I'm also sleeping on the couch. At some point she is going to see this. There is a lot on tension between me and wife. We watched tv together tonight and we talked just general chit chat. She sounds like my wife, looks like my wife but althiugh still married she is not my wife. Not at the moment and possibly ever. Think I'll go and see this house tomorrow. Then speak to my wife see what she says. As far as OM it's not going to stop. They own a business together. At some point the reality will kick in. You can't be in a secret affair for ever. Maybe if they wanted to live together. Who knows. But I can't just hang around hoping. I've spent 6 months in the dark hoping when in her mind she had already gone I need to get on with my own life. It's only been a week since the BD. Am i being to hasty
You could always do it old school and take matters into your own hands. I'm sorry to hear of your powerlessness put onto you by another man acting through your wife...
More sniping at each other this morning. My wife asked if she could use my works car park space at weekend when she takes our daughter to a show. Now I had presumed she would be using the car park right next to the venue as its a bit of a walk from my office. When I said this she immediately got defensive saying forget it forget it and becoming angry. I said no it's fine I will ask to which she just carried on. This has always been a trait in her. I then said its not about us and I'll ask about the space for our daughter. My wife just continued being aggressive and getting argumentative in front of our daughter. I just didn't respond but she kept pushing. She is obviously still very pissed off. she also made a sarcastic comment relating to my snooping and finding out what has been going on. I trid to reason with her but it's just impossible. This has just set my mind again that I need to get out asap. This is not my wife anymore and why do I want to be with her. I don't. The person I want to be with is not here at the moment and may be never will be again. The way I think at the moment is that he's bloody welcome to her. I Know even though she doesn't show it that she is also hurting. At the moment though she just has a look of hate towards me.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
after this morning argument I haven't spoken to my wife all day. In fact I have been refraining from calling her since BD anyway. All I did do was send her a polite but concise emails stating I had bought some tea (because she asked before she left) dates for my daughters holiday and letting her know there was a parking slot booked for them at weekend (which is why she kicked off this morning)
There was no emotion other than Hi and thanks. No asking anything else
Anyway didn't hear back at all as expected. Now she has rang me whilst taking our daughter swimming. Im not really sure why. Tea was mentioned I asked how daughter was that was about it. all friendly and polite. Again there was no real need to ring me so why did she? Hard to detach when she is still playing lets be friends. separate point. went to look at a house. Was a bit small though. not really sure it will do. It is quite a bit cheaper than me moving back to our other house though. Just doing finances now. See if I can reduce any
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
Think I'll go and see this house tomorrow. Then speak to my wife see what she says.
Why?
Quote:
she also made a sarcastic comment relating to my snooping and finding out what has been going on. I trid to reason with her
Why?
And, why are trying to rent a house that is just around the corner from your W who is in an A? And don't you dare say it is for D8. It is for YOU, and it is not a good idea to live anywhere near her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am looking to stay in the same areas as I am now. I love where I live. Why should I give that up? and yes so im close to my daughter? It just so happened this house I looked at was about a mile away but im viewing another next week a bit further.
As far as speaking to my wife, its not about getting her approval but about finances. If I could I would force her out but she already knows I cant stay here on my own and survive financially. I have a lot of money currently tied up in our house. Im not just going to walk away from that. We need to work something out in the long run
As far as her sarcastic comments this morning, I tried not to engage but she was definitely prodding the bear with a stick. I get your point though just completely ignore that behaviour. Im trying.
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
