Thanks, Toots. It is a wonderful feeling, almost like coming out of a type of death or sleep...it has felt so good in these last 24 hours, I am now nervous about seeing him next week. I don't want to be set back.
H called our MC last night to set up an appt to talk before he comes back to town. I am trying not to hang too much on that one way or the other. I believe he's seeking her help on an IC level. Good, BETTER even.
My big peace thought this morning - you gotta have a good relationship with yourself before you can with anyone else.
H has always admitted to not knowing himself, his goals, what he wants for his life, and said when we first started dating that he looked to a relationship to bring him stability and happiness. Why those weren't red flags to me...but we love anyway. And maybe part of my love was seeing his potential, the good man he is, all the little things I love about the way he thinks, his beauty and grace, and all his past hurt and wanting to be part of his journey into actualization. Who knows, but...
So as much as I've been beating myself up for the emotional disconnect in me, what I couldn't give him, all the grief and regret in my part in this - I am strong, successful, attractive, in good health, I'm funny, adventurous, lots of friends and lucky to have some very close ones...and generally I sit on the happy side of life when I wake up and go to bed. I enjoy being in a room with my own thoughts and nothing else. I enjoy creating and have lots of energy for it. This is what I am starting to feel again, bits of joy in just being. My friends call me the football coach and joke that I'm not exactly warm and fuzzy and maybe that would be ok with the other 90% of men folk. (Ironic that I get paid to write warm and fuzzy things.) My feelings are tender, and I am working on reconciling that with my delivery and way I process and react to the world, getting rid of old coping habits. H told me the other day, 'W, if it was the end of the world, people would be lining up behind you to follow you.' So, yes...I like all these things about myself. I like me. Faults and all. He once liked me, too.
I want my H to like him before he comes back to our M. If I quit thinking about how much I want him back...no, it wasn't working. He was so heavy and miserable and really, I got lots of nothing out of his dependency on me as much as I love him, it was eating away at the joy and lightness I've just, just found returning. When he left, it was worse of course, (except initially - I was very ok about everything for 48 hours or so, something like relief), and I've spent the last two and half months barely able to think straight. But now it's like a fog is lifting over a lot of my spiritual energy.
He wasn't able to give a whole lot to me or himself, bc he's been so disappointed, angry and blaming of everyone around him, focused on all of our imperfections and faults, things people haven't been or been doing for him, without looking at what he could have done for himself...this is not what I want in my life. And he must have felt it through my frustration and withdrawal and ultimately this is where he walked away and detached. It is easy to say I could have done better. I know so many of us on this board are 100% focused on the changes that would have allowed 'done better.' But I think I also have to respect the honesty of where I was and what I was dealing with.
And also, he may be one big 'cheeseless tunnel' for me. I very much know what I enjoy about life and what I'd like out of it...for the last several years that has been a family. I'm ready for that. He's not, or at least hasn't been since after we were M. This might be another chance to look reality in between the eyes...and choose uncertainty (at my age, odds are slim for a new R and chance at building a family, but I'm curious about egg freezing), and I don't want to have regrets I would maybe always hold against him. I have been the mover and shaker all along the way, pushing for the major benchmarks of a life together - marriage, house...I think on top of everything he was going through, the intense loneliness, he couldn't bear the thought of me pushing him into a family situation, too, or having to come up against my expectation that he might work again. That is what I expect. I don't enjoy carrying the load by myself. And I expect I will have a hard time respecting him on a mutually enjoyable level if he chooses to be disabled and hateful for the rest of his life. (He will always have some chronic pain, but he is whole, ambulatory and intelligent.)
I will choose to be ok with all of this. This is a journey he absolutely does need to take before focusing on our R, or M.
Today I am choosing to be grateful for the good times, and though I'm not sure what to do with all those good memories that stir so much heartache, I am sure they'll find a place to settle. I'll dream of travel and all that I can accomplish this year, the ways that I'll grow and the stronger woman I'll be.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
