Mozza (8) + Links to success stories

[Mozza]

Thanks a lot, Toots, for your very kind words. In case it can help others, let me explain in a nutshell where this energy comes from.

First, it seems to me that our nature defaults to pessimism and that to be realistic, one has to counterbalance with a dose of optimism. Just look around here: anyone who suffers a setback immediately says "it's over!" Or they will list the multiple reasons why it can't work out: W said she's done, she found someone, she moved out, she moved away, she cut off contacts, etc. Yet, all these things are also found in successful reconciliations. And there are multiple reasons why it can work out: she's still in touch, she broke up with OM, they have kids, things were good before OM, etc. But they don't list them. In any case, I have reached or I'm nearing the point where I realize that it's useless to make these assessments: I've no control over it and it doesn't change what I have to do, which is to work on myself.

Second, another shortcoming of our brains seems to be that we can hardly cope with uncertainty. It plays out strongly in situations like ours. I mentioned it earlier, but it's like the patient who says "I'd rather know today that I have cancer than wait another day for the test results!" Of course, this makes no sense. As the vets keep repeating, a normal sitch takes 9 to 24 months and gets really bad before it gets better. I'm four months into it. Let's not panic, let's enjoy the gift of time. To me, that's the "Be patient" mantra of DB. As I quoted Gandhi above: Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. It seems that anyone who has accomplished anything worthwhile has shown such indomitable will, so let's do it.

Finally, there's a reason that touches upon what you said: we will get there. Right now, reconciliation is the only positive outcome that my heart will accept. But I also know that as time passes by, my outlook evolves. Already, the shock is receding and I have moments of peace. They will become more common. I won't be in that state of shock for the next 40 years. In the near future (I don't like to think in timelines anymore), either my WAW will come back or I will reach a new place where I will be happy again. I will not become that person, mentioned somewhere here, who cries in the driveway of his ex 12 years later. Even better: this sitch has opened the likelihood that I will experience romantic passion once again in my life, be it through reconciliation or a new R with a new person. That's also a gift.

One more thing: when I feel defeated, I try not to write too much about it because I don't want to "preserve" it. I don't want a passing feeling to taint the next few hours or day or weeks. When I feel good, I talk about it and refer to it later as evidence that I can reach this place.

I understand very well how people can feel defeated or distressed. I experience it too. I'm only sharing my ways to cope with this right now knowing that in the end, we will survive this and be happy again.