Strength & Grace

[Faith20]

It's been a few days since I've posted.

I'm not sure I have the words to describe my situation right now other than to say that it feels like I am in limbo.

H spent every night that he wasn't working at our house last week. He made dinner for us one night and even offered to walk the dog for me. We continued to be intimate each night but have also added cuddling to the mix. Some nights, we just hold each other and don't ML at all. We haven't done this since BD and while I love it, I also wonder if it's pulling me in too deep and blinding me to the situation.

Last week H and I had a conversation that started about being intimate but turned into R talk. H says he doesn't know what he's doing or what he wants, that he doesn't "know what's in the cards for us", but he likes being at the house with S8 and I. But he also said that he's mainly there for S8 and that he has been lonely. I reassured him that I have no expectations and that I'm not pressuring him for answers or decisions. He said he agreed, and that I haven't asked him for anything in months. He also said that I've changed so much. I took the last two as positives.

After seeing so much of him and the conversation, I was SURE he would disappear again, or at the very least pull away and become cold and distant. So far, it hasn't happened, but I know it's only a matter of time.

He worked all weekend, so we didn't see him. S8 and I went rock climbing Friday night, relaxed a bit on Saturday and then S8 went to Disneyland with my dad so I took the day to myself to go to the movies and church. We had a positive weekend full of PMA and GAL, yeah!

Monday H came over and we all went rock climbing together. He took S8 to the beach after and I wanted to come, but wasn't invited. This bummed me out a bit but I went out and ran errands, and kept PMA. H left that night to go to the movies alone and I didn't think he was coming back. But around 10PM that night he called and asked if he could come sleep on the couch so I said he could. He came over and we had a really good conversation about his life and goals he has. It felt like we were really connecting and enjoying each other. As I was about to go to bed, H asked if I wanted to come cuddle. I hesitated at first but then said yes.

H has slept at the house the last three nights in a row. Sometimes we ML, other times we just hold each other. And the last two mornings before work, he asks me to come over and give him a hug. He holds me for a long time and rubs my back.

I took a chance and bought H the book "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge and gave it to him. I know Sandi's rules say "no gifts", but he has been going to a Christian Men's group and exploring his faith, and the book came highly recommended. It's about finding your purpose in life and finding your heart. From all of my conversations with H, it sounds like something he would really enjoy. I've been praying that this book helps him answer some questions about his faith, belief in God, and purpose in life. He said he would read it. I pray he does.

H is back at work tomorrow and it's also what would be our 1 year wedding anniversary. I don't expect to see him tonight and am sure he probably doesn't even remember the significance of the day. Either way, I know he will keep his distance because of the timing and also because it's been almost 2 weeks of seeing him every day he's off.

I'm not sure how i'll feel when he starts to pull back again, but I hope it doesn't hurt as much as I fear it will.

I was served D papers on NYE so my 30 days to respond are almost up. I haven taken next Thursday off to go and file my response. H hasn't filed his proof of service yet, not sure why, but it doesn't matter. 30 days is 30 days.

I also signed a lease on a 1 bedroom apartment last week. I haven't told H yet, I am so nervous to tell him. I know this will be the end of limbo and make things real again. I've done a lot of research on retrouvaille as well and am also still sitting on the idea of mentioning this to H. I know my time is running out and my opportunities are short. I have a feeling this will be a tough weekend.

Life is funny, hard, and at times, crazy. 4 months ago I was a wreck, and H was the meanest, coldest, person I had ever met. We barely spoke and every week he was pushing me to move out. Now, he is at the house all the time, we are rock climbing weekly together, ML, cuddling, and HE is the one asking me for hugs before I leave. I don't know what any of this means, and I'm trying not to think too much. It doesn't feel like heaven and it doesn't look like hell, but it's some kind of purgatory, that's for sure.