Thanks Cadet, especially for the link to RosaLinda's post, it made me think about what I am or am not doing!
I want to take action, I am ready, the problem I have is 'what action'.
Sometime after BD I told him quite clearly that it was over, that I would move on and wished him the best, he said 'it is not over, I will be back' that was when I decided to 'wait' and to 'support' him as he navigated his way through his MLC. I abandoned all pursuit. I stopped asking when he would be home next.
So, perhaps I should state that he is not welcome home unless and until he wants to recommit to me and his family? This puts aside any issues in relation to OW's, online dating etc. and puts the focus back on our R. But is this not 'pursuit'?
I am in fairly regular contact with him in regard to our financial situation, works to our cottage and some work we have together (from when he worked with me). I don't tend to update him on what our children are doing and I don't engage in small talk - there are times when he tells me what he doing over there (work, weather, an exhibition he went to) but I tend to ignore it. I have not told him that I love him for a long time and I have stopped putting kisses at the end of my emails / texts. I have asked him to address me by name instead of 'hiya' and he has done this.
When he was home for two weeks over Christmas and New Year, it was ok, he seemed depressed, he snapped at me a few times, in a minor way but I let it go and walked away. We went to a New Years eve party in my sisters house (2 hours drive away) - initially he didn't really want to go and I didn't push him on it, but at the last minute he said 'let's go so'. We met his brother and SIL before the party and went to a bar with them and he seemed pleased to meet them, seemed to enjoy it almost. I was upbeat and happy. We walked from there to my sister's. He drank excessively at the party and told various people, including my sister, my brother and my SIL as well as some random people that he was 'Russian' now, that he had 'changed', that he had 'his own life over there', that he loved 'Russia' and was never coming back. He could say this to all these people but will not say it to his son, to his daughters and even to me. My son has tried to talk to him about all of this, but he refuses to engage with him.
My sister told me afterwards that she thought he was acting and behaving very strangely, but that the next morning he was back to himself.
His family and my family have no idea about the OW, the A or anything else that he is doing - he knows this.
But the worst part was, my SIL kept on at him during the night about how he was (I had previously told her that he was depressed without going into any detail - I thought she would understand because my brother suffers from depression). My H told me later that he thought she had 'an agenda' when she was talking to him, that it was like an 'interrogation'. Anyway he told her that he didn't love me anymore'. All my family were shocked and upset for me (I don't like anyone feeling sorry for me and am very private). I could not believe he said this to SIL when he doesn't want to tell our own children or his family.
When I told him what he said, he noted how drunk he (and everyone else) was and was sorry that he had said it. He then talked about how he had worked hard all his life and had nothing to show for it and that he no choice but to make a life for himself in Moscow where he had work, he followed this by saying that he didn't love me but would do his best to look after me and our children. I was gentle with him, not accusatory, just a bit upset which seemed to upset him. I noted that it wasn't right to tell my SIL when our 3 daughter's don't know (only our son knows), he asked me what I want to do, saying that he thinks our youngest still needs 'protection'. I told him that our old M was over but that I believe we could have a new M - he didn't say anything to this.
Our son was so upset at his behavior at the party (he was there too with his GF) and with what he was saying. He believes that he was 'laying the ground' so that he wouldn't look too bad in the eyes of our family when eventually he abandoned us all. He didn't say that he was a liar and a cheater, just that he didn't love me.
I have visited him in Moscow each year around this time (twice so far) and I should be going again in the next few weeks. I think I will go in order to see him face to face and set my boundaries.
I firmly believe that he is in fear of himself and of his choices. Sometime ago, I asked him if he was happy (bearing in mind that his excuse for his A was that he was not happy and that we (me, our children) were not 'enough' for him). He said no, not really, sometimes. He said that happiness is elusive to him mostly, that he knows it is to be found 'within' but that he can't always find it.
I didn't know what to say to him when he said that he didn't love me so I said nothing - what could / should I have said? I believe it is choice he has made due to circumstances and to make him feel a bit better about his A, OW's. I also think that he feels that as he is capable of cheating on me he must not love me.
