New England Newcomer

[mahhhty]

Been a really stressful couple of days. Thanks Squiggy and Lost (as always) for the feedback.

Approaching the close is very difficult. Although the paperwork is mostly done I can tell she feels slighted. Her own Mother reprimanded me today about how she doesn't agree with the CS situation. Does she not understand I am on the cusp of not even being able to afford a life. Does anyone understand that I have to take out a loan to pay her. It seems so odd to me that I can be so flexible but still be the bad guy.

I have been struggling with the letter, with the papers, with all contact and decisions. Today she told me about a vacation she wants to plan. And taking the kids on a plane trip to VA. I always wanted to be a part of the kids first plane experience. This is a memory I won't have and won't contribute to. The finality of it all.

And honestly, I don't have a good reason or full understand of why. Acceptance without understanding.

I can feel my old brain twisting and contorting within myself to try and get out, try to be heard, try to change the future, try to ask her why, try to gain more clarity. Something I have kept at bay for a long time, is trying to emerge as we get closer to the end. However, my new brain says to stop, don't pick up the phone, don't write that email. You are going to her, she needs to come to you. Only then will she be ready.

My old brain just keeps telling me to call her, talk to her about how you feel, talk to her about why she believes what she does, ask again if there is someone else. But the new brain kicks in. It won't matter. It won't make a difference. It doesn't move you in a positive direction, it may move you in a negative one.

This is the hardest thing I have ever been a part of.