Forging Through the Unknown

[Train]

I just spent two days reading through your threads, from Day One. Since you have a sense of humor, I trust you'll take this in the way it's intended: "Good LORD, Honey-Child! Talk about a freakin' NAIL-BITER over here! I was on the edge of my seat; I didn't stop reading until 2:30 this morning ... and then put S8 on "independent work" for his (home)school today just so I could finish.

I don't have to tell you this: I've been here twice now (once in 2005/06, which was the A that resulted in XOW's baby, and then again last year because H and I didn't "do" piecing correctly after the first time), and you've - hands-down - had some of the best advice I've seen on these boards. Incredible support for an incredible - (fittingly) mighty - powerhouse! I'm inspired.

Though it took me two days to read through your threads, I feel it could take me a week to write what I've thought of writing as I read. I think part of the reason it was such a nail-biter and had me so enthralled is because, due to my experiences, I felt like I was right there with you ... or right back there at that time in my life. Thankfully, and I hope it's a little consolation for you, I'm almost nine years past the "OW's pregnant" BD, and I am a-okay. I'll never forget my feelings, which is why I think I found my way here, to your story, albeit a little late. It still hurts. But it doesn't sting or slice the way it did.

I can write about my experiences later and as you have questions (if you have any).

Meanwhile, ***DISCLAIMER***: I feel a little awkward jumping in and giving any observations this far into the game. Plus, I have no experience with MLC, so keep that in mind. I'm sure if I say something wrong, your awesome regulars will step in and politely correct me. That's something else I learned while reading over here in MLC Land: You guys are freaking NICE and so supportive! Geez ... unlike the stiff 2x4s I got against my noggin over in Infidelity! (If you're reading, Starsky, I'm only KIDDING! You're my BFF for LIFE, brah!)

(And when it comes to making short stories long, Mighty, you've met your match, mmkay? ) I hope I don't lock your thread, because that wouldn't be a very neighborly thing to do on my first "real" visit ...

Anyway, with all those disclaimers out of the way, I do feel I maybe have the benefit of having digested your entire journey - start 'til now - in just a few hours. So the "you" that was "you" before H started showing signs of peeking/crawling out of his tunnel is still really, really fresh in my mind. And I can tell that his new "interest" started sending you spinning, almost from the jump. (Ahem, *do not think* I'm 2x4ing you for that because - boy! - do I understand! I've lived it. Twice.) But I think you've been given AMAZING advice to pullllllll on those reins a little bit right now. Slow 'er down - simmer a bit - and try to pull yourself back to center, to a place with NO expectations of H. Expectations lead to disappointments, even when a situation isn't THAT dire.

Your H started showing interest in you around the time that ol' Stella had gone and gotten her groove back. Honey, whoever said it is right: hww couldn't shine your shoes! You're amazing! You're sharp. You're a hard worker. You're put-together. You have A LOT more - ahem - experience . You're *hil.a.riousssss (like, I've literally LOL'd sooo many times reading your posts). And ATTRACTIVE! You're the total package, baby! And all that radiates from every post you've written, so do us all a favor and don't try to deny it.

HopefulStill (another one of my faves, but he's hardly here anymore) once encouraged me to back completely out of my wayward H's life: "Don't meet ANY of his needs," he said. And that was hard. No offers of dinner. No words of affirmation. No physical touch. HS was quoting at least one expert's philosophy that if the LBS backs out of the way, s/he then forces the OW/OM to meet all the WAS's needs. And that's when that person's warts start showing. It takes the crazy off of YOU and gives the OW the chance to start showing her warts and fangs. (If you're spinning, you really don't want H to see that because it puts the crazy back on YOU instead of letting him see it from the person who's REALLY crazy. See what I mean?)

I see that that's precisely what happened in your H's case: you backed out (and got your groove back, giving H glimpses of the hawt, FABULOUS, movin'-on Mighty any time you were around him), and he was left with *just* OW. In all her crazy glory. And - lo and behold - he began to see that maybe things with Mighty weren't so bad, after all! (Duh.)

Fast-forward to the birth of baby: Your H is out-of-his-mind confused. I don't want to sound like I'm defending him (or my H when he was in that same place), but can you IMAGINE how freaking TWISTED they feel? I'd usually encourage you to stay out of H's head. But really consider stewing on that for a minute because it MIGHT help you to muster-up some compassion (yuck) for how conflicted he feels right now - which will in turn (and most importantly) help YOU with some perspective. Let me interject a little of my story here, just to provide some background:

H left me in September 2005, when I was about two months pregnant with our son, now almost 9. (Ellie may not remember, but she was the first to tell me on these boards that my H was cheating; she just KNEW it. Turns out: she was right. SHOCKING, right? (:::insert smiling eyeroll here:::) ) Anyway, I didn't know he was cheating at the time. He just left. And he acted like he was possessed by demons. MEAN as all get out! It was very frightening. Anyway, he was gone until January 2006 (just four, little months), when he came home and told me OW was pregnant ... and he said pretty much everything your H has said to you. My H, granted, was "all in" from the moment he came back. (But listen to this important part: THAT is where we started to go wrong ... and why I ended up back here last year, 8 years later; but I'll get into that another day if you want.)

I became TOO supportive of my H during the remaining months of my (and XOW's) pregnancies. I was SO flippin' mad at her. AND at my H. But, like you, I had spent a great deal of time being mad at him ... and knew I'd spend probably YEARS being mad at him. So I didn't make excuses for using a little of my time being mad at her, too. She would.not.stop contacting my H while he was in our home, despite him sending her a NC letter. She called/messaged about doctor's appointments ... asking H to go hear the baby's heartbeat with her ... asking if H wanted to be in the room when she was delivering ... asking him to come back to their apartment to reach glasses over the refrigerator because she was just too short to reach them. (Gag.) With my H's permission, I (finally) broke my silence with her and wrote her a letter of my own, telling her that I stood beside my H no matter what he decided where she and her baby were concerned. And if he wanted to be in the doctor's appointments and labor/delivery room, I would stand beside him. Like, literally. Right beside him in the room. (Obviously she would never allow that ... which was precisely the point of writing it ...)

She left him alone from that point forward; she had all his information to be in touch when the baby was born.

And that's when this Train started charging, full-steam ahead. XOW already had two kids from a previous M, and she only had partial custody of them. So I encouraged H to go after joint custody of XOW's baby. To say I "encouraged" really means I "pushed," almost forced. In a controlling sort of way, because that - at the time - was my idea of "support" for H. Ummmmm ... notsomuch. I wanted him to see I had his back. He felt like I was pushing him to do something he didn't want to do. But he never told me that because he was walking on eggshells having just come home with a pregnant XOW. I pushed and pushed.

We went to a L together, who is a family friend. XOW's baby was 3 months old at the time. H was paying *a lot* of child support (almost as much as I was receiving for my oldest two girls from a previous M, combined). That HURT. Our L told us we'd need to spend some time with the baby if we were wanting to get more than standard visitation. So, guess what? I packed up my 5-month-old son, stuck out my chest and went with H to OW's apartment, meeting her for the very first time face-to-face (except for the time, you know, I walked in on them boinking, thereby busting their A. But she pulled the covers over her face like the cowardly hobag she was, so that's not technically considered face-to-face, eh?). Ugh. I handed H our son. And I reached my arms out to XOW, who was holding her baby, and she handed me H's daughter. It was a surreal moment; one I'll never forget. H held her but felt no connection. I played with her.

Fast-forward to December 2006. XOW's baby was 5 months old. Custody mediation was set to begin in one week from Christmas. Except my "charging" came to a sudden stop when my daddy died in a trucking accident four days before the first mediation session was scheduled.

I can't tell you what happened to me at that moment. I really HAD felt - up until that moment - that our family would provide more stability (financially, psychologically, etc.) for H's baby. I had grown to WANT her in my life ... because she was my H's child, after all. I harbored no ill-feelings toward the baby. I looked at her as a mirror of ME, strangely: She and I were the two hardest-hit victims in the fiasco. We lost the most. And my heart learned to go out to her, even considering the circumstances.

But when my dad died? It suddenly hit me that I had been pushing. And that this wasn't my baby. And it wasn't my mess. And it wasn't my destiny. And it wasn't my life. Simply put: She wasn't my family. In fact, she was made *in spite of me*. That didn't mean I needed to DISlike her. But it didn't mean I needed to push to have her in my life, either. So I told H: "I know what family means now. You choose what you want to do. She's your daughter."

And he chose to pay child support but to physically stay out of her life. (He chose this because of watching my XH - my older girls' dad - pop in and out of their lives since they were little; H and I had discussed over the years that it would be better - and more admirable - of a dad to just stay completely "out" if he couldn't stay completely "in.") So, he paid child support - which crippled our family - for seven years. And when we found out XOW had married and had another child, we were in touch with her. And to make a long story shorter, she told H that her H had been talking about adopting their daughter, which meant my H could relinquish his paternal rights to OW's D7.

My H stays pretty quiet about it, but he opened up to me this year (after coming home from A2 with an OW who, thank God, had her frickin' tubes tied ... thank God for small favors, right?!?). I never knew it, but he is still absolutely tormented by guilt and shame, especially now that he and I share D3. He feels guilt about his D8. He feels guilt about feeling guilty because of what it did to me and his family. Though where you and I, as LBSs, are/were is the PITS, it really, truly ends up being "nothing" compared to the hell they walk daily. I can say that now, almost nine years later. I wouldn't expect you to be near there right now. But suffice it to say, your H is probably absolutely tortured right now by his decisions and the trail of destruction he has caused *ALL AROUND*. And he is in the thick of it right now, so he has no clarity and no direction.

This is just me being honest: Having not one but TWO women in his ear about it right now is NOT going to help him gain any clarity. And trust me: hww is nagging her face off. Be the opposite, Mighty. As Wonka once told me: Be the OW to the XOW. Think about that for a minute.

I don't know if any of that helps. (If you're even still awake after reading it all.) But I hope SOMETHING about it resonates with you.

Sometimes, Mighty, I think some of these things are going to play out the way they're going to play out, no matter WHAT we do. Sure, our behavior can absolutely influence things. (If you'd go all Rambo on your H, for instance, that kind of crazy can make even hhw's brand of crazy look normal, but obviously you're not gonna do that; I'm just stating that as an example.) Other times, I FIRMLY believe in the advice that always-graceful Wonka once gave me: Sometimes INaction IS an action."

Not many people I know could thread the needle of having nerves of steel and a heart of gold like you have, Mighty. I know good-and-damn-well how deep you're having to reach right now. I *know*. And it ain't over.

But know it *is* able to be overcome.

Right now, let these days and weeks be about Mighty. 'Cause the good Lord knows it's been about everybody else for far too long.

[[[**Train: picking up a pom-pom to join the Mighty Cheerleading Squad.**]]