Sorry you had to go through that. I to have just confirmed my wife's affair. It's a mess and the pain almost unbearable. You will survive though. The positive you can take is that it makes detachment easier. I thought I was detached. Have only worked out now that I wasn't. Now I truly am. We have a long road ahead but we will heal with or without them
Me:40 W:35 D:8 T:13 M:10 WAW: 7/14 PA Discovered: 1/15 at least 6 months Moved out and moved on
We love our Pink and would not have her in pain. I am sad that you are faced with finding this out in this way. Find a loving friend who will support you but make no decisions, or an IC. Please talk this through, perhaps a DB coach? We are here for Pink, you are not alone.
An A is not the end or need to lead to a D. So H is a cheater, there is an OW? Unexpected? Probably not as you suspected it.
If its a hotel then it isn't serious OW is likely married or in an R, otherwise they would be at her home. It is sneaky stuff of H but not bright and he has been so easily caught out.
Pink my H has been involved this way too, and my goodness it hits at our sense of self. It makes us feel less than and actually OWs are the less than.
OW is not a patch on Pink, that is for certain.
If I were H then I would be very worried and anxious. H is very keen to speak to you, wait until you are ready to do so. Until you are really ready, so that Pink is in the best place she can be.
If you want to rehearse we are here for you Pink. I wish I could wrap you in love and care.
If I were H then I would believe I have lost my Pink through my own foolishness. I have lost her friendship, the flirty time and the visits to her in the warmth of her home. I will be excluded and I have lost out. I need to repair and fast. Pink may see sense because I can charm her, I am sure that I can. Pink is upset and is distant to me. I can tell her it was only sex! But I am caught, busted. Pink now has no illusions.
Please Pink make no knee jerk D decisions whilst you are emotional, give yourself as much time as you need. Pink you are in the lead role. Do what is right for Pink.
Vanilla
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/21/1502:05 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thinking of you, that must have been difficult. I will never forget when I finally hit the tipping point of what actually was going on. The betrayal which I was so carefully in denial about rushed in like a firestorm. It is the worse feeling in the world.
It will help you detach, but this is going to be like BD again with the ups and downs. IF (big IF) you want to talk to him, do it on your terms...
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I will write to all of you that are so kind with your words, but I think the shock is just working through me now. That's why Michelle says in a book that you should to leave it alone and not go spying on our spouse.
It's a reality check but no one is 100% prepare to see the person you love and gave 18 years of your life in a situation like this.
It's like a movie pass by your eyes, that day you put your eyes on the amazing person that you fell in love, the day you were so happy getting into a beautiful dress to get married, the day your first kid was born, the first fight that end up in a show of love, kisses and hugs, when you got sick and he was there checking on you... so many things comes and goes.
It's some kind of pain worse then death, if someone dies you know it is the end. In this scenario, it comes with betrayal, lies, unfairness, jealousy. It's a lot of other feelings that boils inside you.
I am very conscious I will not destroy myself over this, I know time is my friend and will heal my heart. I know I need to get out and see people, friends. I need to keep moving, going and do not stop my life.
It's just hard. It's hard to eat, to sleep, to walk, to dress, it is kind of wanting to seat on a hole somewhere and hide for awhile. People tell me I need to think about myself and move on. I know all that. But how you just snap and keep going?
H sent me a stupid message last night about 10pm. He said that he has S14's pillow, two jackets from S17 and was looking for S17's pillow two, things that they forgot at the condo in the mountains. I don't know what was the purpose of that message and I did not replay to it.
I do not want to talk to him. And I decide that I will in my own terms. I decided that I need my space and my time and I will respect it. If he insists then he will just hear from me that he can go ahead and file for D, he does not need to talk to me about. Right now, I want him to burn in hell.
I am a person of faith, I have God with me and he is helping me. But I am not God or an Angel and I need to be alone in order to forgive, to let go. That's what I want, to follow my God's path and think that my H can choose what he wants and I need to bless the time we spent together in this life and let go without any hate in my heart. I just need time to get there.
Today I feel wear, I am very emotional, my body hurts, I am tired, I did not cry much before, but today it's just coming and I can't really control it. I guess it is the shock being process inside me. I am grieving.
I need to remember not to be sorry for myself, like many of you said, I am a strong person, I have a strong personality, I love myself for being just, honest, kind and I also love myself for being hard, straight with my words, explosive. I have my three kids to live for and they deserve better.
So today, if H wants to talk he will talk to the wall, I am not there for him. The good side is that I will detach, I can feel it will be easier very soon.
I have a ton of work waiting for me today, so it will be easy to navigate the day. Later I will be back home and take the boys somewhere to have some fun and eat out. I don't want to be home when H decides to stop by to drop off those pillows and jackets.
I am also so thankful I have this child inside me. During my life I keep thinking that I need to be a lady, I am not so young and yet I have this 17 years old inside. I am crazy like a teenager, and now it is what is sustaining my good spirit. I am able to smile and see a bright life. It's not the end of me, it's just a hard fall, my knees are bleeding kind of thing.
Thank you for being here for me, I don't know what it would be without you. I keep coming back and reading all the nice and warm words from you all and it makes me stronger. I am a nice person, everyone loves me... it is time I love myself as well.
I am not writing in your threads now, I need to gather myself and be in good spirits. But I promise soon enough, Pink will be back, and more sassy then ever.
By the way, on friday I am going to dance samba, my brazilian music that will bring me some joy.
Glad to hear from you again today. I'm not surprised you're feeling wobbly and weary today.You certainly had a big ride on the rollercoaster there my friend! And now you have stepped off, there is only forwards. It's good that you have been able to have a cry too. I met a lovely lady at my infidelity support group. Her H had cheated for years (Don Juan type - many OWs) and she had never been able to cry about it. She said to me - I envy you crying.
What is all that about - your H's message about the pillows and coats?? Probably, he tried to contact you to talk about 'us' - and you didn't respond. So, he has moved onto 'safer' ground with practical things relating to the boys.
If he asks to speak and you're not ready, you can always tell him that - and tell him you'll let him know when you do feel ready. For H and I it was actually a couple of weeks before we spoke properly about everything. And then in was me pushing - not him!
Anyway, even amidst this crisis and all the pain, you are doing really well, and starting to make sense of everything - moving it forward. That's incredibly hard - so I just want to say 'good for you.'
Keep on posting Pink.....you know we're all here for you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
If you want to have the locks changed to get your privacy then do so. A good friend of mine had an extra lock put on her front door and if she wanted privacy then that was also locked so her H could not get access, if it was ok for her ex to visit or there was an action admin (pick up kids, repair light etc) then she left the extra lock unlocked.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 01/21/1509:22 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Sending hugs. Of course today was hard, it's so raw. I don't have experience of this exact situation, but IMO it's okay to let yourself feel really raw, feel everything, at this stage, and just let yourself be. He can't intrude on that, this is your time, so let yourself go through the process. Good luck, sending thoughts your way.
Me 28 / H 28 M 1 / T 2.5 BOMB 12-3-14 "I don't feel like myself any more" Still living together, separate rooms.
You are so kind to me. I feel like I would like to rest my head on your lap today. It's hitting me hard today.
I won't change the locks, he will need to respect my privacy if he wants or not. If he tries anything he better be prepared. I did Karate for many years and last championship I got 1st place in my category. He also knows who I am and when I am serious mad even de Devil hides from me.
Now it's 3pm here and around 5pm I will pick up the kids and drop them off at the movie theater, then I will go to my MIT meeting (mom in touch) it's a prayer group for moms. The I will go back and pick up the kids and we will eat something outside. I am planning to go back home late today.
I have a feeling that he will stop by the house to drop off the kids pillows and coats and he will say hi to the dog.
Reality has been hitting me hard, and now it's time for me to show him that if you play with fire, you will get burned. H was playing Don Juan and family man at the same time, now it's time to realize he left his family, he does not have it anymore.
I am no one to punish him, but I do not need to fulfill his needs. He made his choice and I think he need to realize what are the consequences of those choices.
The hardest part of all this is that I realized how much I love this idiot. It would be so much easier if I do not love him so much.
Oh well, it's time to stop the love. I need to love myself and my kids and that's all.
Vanilla, I wish there was some kind of annual DBusters that we could meet each other. We sound like the people that have some heart left, some kind of value that translate us as special people. I started thinking that most of us, if not all, come to this board feeling guilty, but with time we start seeing that we did so much good and so many troubles were not really our responsibility.
We were talking about food over at GG's tread and I promise I will try to eat at least a soup today. I am losing weight again. I can probably afford to lose as much as 10 lbs but if I lose more, then I will probably in trouble.
By the way, my H never repaired anything. I am the one that repair, do maintenance, basically I do everything in a house. I have a plan for my appliances maintenance too.
I hope tomorrow I am not such crying baby like today. I have been crying for over a year now. 1st was S20 being very sick and suicidal, then S14 with whooping cough, then the D bomb. Wow, it is time to buy some red high hill shoes and find myself a boyfriend.
Take care Vanilla, I will make myself better a little every day. Nothing will destroy me because I have God with me.
