Wow. You've read Michelle's article on the WAW, right? The escape plan...I'm so sorry. I know this probably hit hard when you didn't think anything could get worse. Deceit of any kind is heart breaking.
A year ago in the middle of a fight, my H said something along the lines of 'well, I'm not trying to divorce you just yet'...we said a lot of terrible things when we fought, but that sticks out...he claims his turning point was in Nov, but I think he's been chewing on his unhappiness for a lot longer.
Get out around people. Even if you're an introvert. Today, somehow, immediately. My BD shortly before Thanksgiving so I was stuck at home in my head, crying, pacing, starving, upside down and miserable for four days - and it was amazing, when I finally got out of the house and interacted with another human being or two, the world looked a whole lot different, more reasonable, sane, like things would be ok. People matter. Call an old friend or family member that can be there for you. You'll still cry for days, but try to find someone you can laugh with, too.
Keep your dignity. No one really deserves to be left like this. It helps me to remember that H and I actually are separate people...that his choices are not a reflection of me or my character, but his. Remember you are worth loving, and her actions aren't evidence to the contrary as much as it feels otherwise.
I got nothing on the constant thoughts front. I'm battling it still, 8-9 weeks later. I'm so used to thinking my way around and through everything...it doesn't help in this situation a whole lot to think your way through feelings I guess.
But as often as I can, I try to adjust to the reality of what is happening. And tell myself cold, hard truths about it to force the adjustment, over and over again to chase out the past that is out of reach: 'My H doesn't want to be in this R anymore, this is how he is looking at it. I may be divorced before the end of the year. There is happiness ahead, even so.' I've gone back to the angry texts and insults to see exactly what was there instead of the romantic versions that keep trying to crop up in my head. Every once in a while I imagine if he came home...what would my worries be then, what are my angry, betrayed feelings then? How secure could I ever be?
Somewhere on this board they recommended the Stockdale Paradox as a reference for dealing with this. I found it helpful. Also an app called HeadSpace - at least for ten minutes at a time not to have the intrusive thoughts, but some peace.
You will be a little stronger each week.
I think the biggest thing for me is how different she's acting, like it isn't her. Almost like she had to adopt a different personality to go through with this. Her "dear frank" email to me started out so impersonal it was gut wrenching.
Also we were never mean or hurtful to each other, she may have been unhappy but there was never personal attacks.
Right now i can't even wrap my head around this or the future. I know i have to, i just can't. One of my flaws is being negative (i call it a realist) and she always disliked that about me. Recently i've started trying to be positive and started reading on the power of positive thinking and that's where i'm at right now. Is that the wrong thing to do? I don't know, at worst it will just make me sadder in the long run.
Thanks for the personal anecdotes and things to search for, i'll look into them today.
M:39 W:35 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years No kids D bomb: 1/17/15 Filed 1/29/15 Moving out 2/2015
No one really deserves to be left like this. It helps me to remember that H and I actually are separate people...that his choices are not a reflection of me or my character, but his. Remember you are worth loving, and her actions aren't evidence to the contrary as much as it feels otherwise.