DARING!!!! You KNOW we are in the same place, in detachment and overall attitude.... I call it, DETACHITUDE.
I had to go to page 4 to find my thread....lol. Been slacking!
FY and Job, thank you for your continued support, wisdom, and insight. You both have been here long enough to see anything and everything happen. It will be interesting to add this to the stats, years down the road.
Hard to even post.
I mean… the things I would have scrambled to type before, feel so meaningless now.
This is a strange thing I have felt since early December, but starting since H announcement of the big "v". I first attributed the feeling to the holidays. Then H birthday (which I didn’t even write about).
The reality is? None of it matters anymore. The events. The dialog. The details of H. It just means nothing to me. I have shut him out so far, that I can’t care about that stuff if I tried. If he was dangerously ill or hurt? Of course I would care about his well-being. The difference is this: I no longer feel it’s my job to tend to it.
Updates:
H still hasn’t filed. I have gone from the beginning of this journey, feeling terrified and praying he wouldn’t file….. to hoping he wouldn’t file….. then, thinking he probably will file….then I was truly accepting that D will definitely happen and being ok with it…. And now I am finding myself impatiently wanting it now. Now-now. Yesterday now. Enough to do it myself if he doesn’t in the next month or two.
What is THAT about??
I'm ok waiting in some ways. I would like the peace of mind of being 100% in charge of my finances, should he start a new behavior of racking up a bunch of debt. In my state, it would be marital. I feel like I should quit while I'm ahead...well, I'm not ahead....just not super behind.
I met with MIL for lunch last week. I hadn’t seen her or anyone from the family for almost a year. It was since H suicide attempt at the hospital in February. Nothing in-person since. She is his step-mom. She has always been great, and I believe she gets it.
I felt like I was helping HER understand and deal with this...it was strange. We cried some, because they were a great family to my kids and me. I miss them, and they all miss us.
MIL understands that H needs help, but she is still confused by many things that don’t make sense to her (we can all relate).
She told me the only time anyone in the family has seen him since we S was Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a birthday dinner. This is unusual, as we would meet them for dinner every couple of weeks in the past.
She said he didn’t seem depressed, but he certainly was not upbeat like he had been at holiday gatherings when we were together. She said that historically, H has bad-mouthed his xw and xgfs to his family after a break-up. He did none of that about me. She found that interesting. She couldn’t believe he hasn’t filed, and if he doesn’t really want a D, why isn’t he working on it? That confused her. She used the word “Limbo.” She knows he loved me, and it’s obvious to her that he doesn’t want to lose me from his life, but he has to grow up. A lot. She hates that we had to experience this pain, but she is well aware of his issues, and isn’t surprised in the least that he is in this crisis.
4 months ago, I would have taken that info and pinned every ounce of hope on it. Today? meh.
For me? I’ve been busy. Being fabulous ☺
I have been researching and car shopping. I’m constantly reevaluating our finances.
D13 is continuing IC, and really likes her. D13 will be D14 this weekend….holy buckets! She is really doing great. Her IC will hopefully help her work through things from long ago, not-too long ago, and recent stuff. She is still traumatized by the boy from her school that had the obsessive crush on her, and wrote the manifesto naming kids and teachers he would “take-out”. He was rumored to be released and possibly returning to her school. Yeah….she’s freaking out.
S16 has a lead role in both upcoming stage productions at his HS. For a kid with Asperger’s, he is breaking the mold. I’m loving it, and finally seeing his passion! The group is accepting of him and his quirks like nothing he has ever had in his life. In fact…they celebrate those qualities. Truly incredible to watch.
S18 (twin) graduates from Basic in 2 weeks. He calls me weekly. He sounds like he is absolutely thriving, and gaining so much experience. He has been put into several leadership roles within his group, for various tasks. He feels confident, connected, motivated…. Also constantly hungry, sore, and tired. He loves that, too. He is knowingly on an adventure, and open to whatever possibility presents. Such a cool kid.
S18 (twin) started firefighter school, and continues to move forward in his semi-independent life. He recently had what he called, “the same 3 hour conversation” that I had with his father. They went to a hockey game, and had some male-bonding time. When they returned home, they sat and had a glass of whiskey, lol. His dad asked him what he remembers from his younger years. What scared him. What things made him feel small. And he addressed every single one of them. <<<THIS healing, is what I had hoped and prayed for since the decision to D. I’m so grateful. These kids deserve that.
Those things above, the kids…..that’s what gives me such peace. It’s all ok. It is all going to be ok. Life is life. And it’s moving along.
