Yes, being careful about who I tell and what I share. Leaving out a lot of details when I share with friends -- just sharing that we are having problems and need a lot of prayer for healing, strength, peace... And of course need prayers for a miracle :-)
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
So I know that I've been going through all of the stages of grief since BD... and I know for a fact that my body was in shock for quite a while initially...
Lately I had started to think that I was finally in the Acceptance stage -- at least with accepting that my W has a major MLC, is engaged in an EA (soon to be PA) with OW, and that our old relationship/marriage is dead... I've come to accept all of that with the hope that as she progresses through the MLC that there might be some hope to build a new R/M int he future...
But now we are living in some weird limbo with her continuing this EA (but still not admitting it to anyone) while I still live in the house until I can find a full-time job and find a new place to live. What concerns me is that I'm afraid that this limbo existence might be shifting me back into the Denial stage of grief... If I am really honest with myself right now, there is a part of me that does sometimes deny that we are headed towards separation/divorce and that any day now she's going to wake up before I actually have to move out and we'll be able to start the hard work of rebuilding...
I'm afraid that until I actually move out, I won't fully be in the Acceptance stage of this process...
Maybe I'm just overanalyzing everything this morning and just need to get my coffee, wake up, and focus on work to take my mind off of all of this for a while...
On a positive note, I am enjoying doing the meditation in the mornings and I think within the past 24 hours I have been able to be a bit more patient with my kids and able to be a little more present with them. This is so hard on all of us, but my biggest priority right now is to have more patience with my kids and to not continue to allow my frustration over the sitch with W to cause me to be short-tempered with the kids. If I can accomplish that one thing I will begin to at least feel more successful in handling some of this mess.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I'm afraid that until I actually move out, I won't fully be in the Acceptance stage of this process...
Posted below on 1/7/15
Originally Posted By: Jer2911
Oh -- as long as I am in the house, I am not leaving the master bedroom. I am not the one choosing to break apart this family and refusing to work on rebuilding our marriage. I made THAT decision to remain in the MBR back in October at BD :-)
The house is a bit more tricky... because my income has always been lower, when we purchased it the title was drawn up with me owning a much smaller percentage because we always knew she would pay the mortgage. I can't afford this house on my own -- even with a full-time job. I will have to move out eventually. She has already threatened legal action if I don't accept the buyout offer.
I don't have a problem with the buyout offer -- I have a problem with moving anywhere without a full-time job and doing so before the end of the school year which will create disruption for the kids. My concern is with the kids and my wellbeing/ability to support myself without her assistance. Her concern right now is herself and her "happiness." She has offered to co-sign a lease for me, but I think that is just ridiculous. I am dealing with someone who likes to control EVERYTHING... I am now realizing there may also be some narcissistic behavior issues here (maybe minor NPD), but maybe that is a part of the MLC...
I will admit though that there is another motive to dragging this out to the end of the school year -- the OW is much younger and the A, so far, has only be EA and very long distance (they've never met in person), and I am hoping that with time the OW will find this less-than-ideal and eventually find someone her own age who can give her a real relationship. Most of us who have some life experience would never be in this for this long -- we would see my W's current sitch and behavior as big red flags -- but to someone very young (mid-20s), especially this OW that I actually know quite a bit about (long story there), there just isn't enough life and relationship experience to see or understand the red flags.
So why is it different now than two weeks ago? You were waiting until the end of the school year. Why are you rushing things and pushing?
I really don't want to rush things at all. I would much rather prefer to wait until the end of the school year, but I also realize that the longer this goes on her anger and bitterness towards me seems to increase. Initially I had hoped that dragging this out would allow the EA to die off (because it's so long distance -- another country/continent) and that she might start to move forward through her MLC... But with bitterness/anger increasing towards me and the fact that she leaves on sunday for a trip that will shift the EA to a PA, I worry about long-term damage to any hope of rebuilding our R/M... Maybe I'm wrong about that, but I do worry about it... and I think it's easier for me to go back into denial than face that concern...
I guess maybe my question to myself is: How to reach/maintain acceptance while still living in the house (with the hope that we can wait until end of school year) and not fall back into denial...?
To be clear -- I am still holding firm on not moving out until I have a fulltime job, so the timing is out of my hands a bit. I am applying for jobs as they come open, but I can't make the school district move any faster than they normally do.
If I get lucky and get in for an interview really soon -- and get offered a position -- I am going to see if I can hold off official start date until beginning of March (at the earliest) so I can finish up a couple of consulting projects. At that point my request to my W will be to allow me to remain in the house for at least one month while working FT so I can build up a little more $$ to help with moving expenses. So there is a plan to drag things out a bit.
So now that I've written all of that out, I think what is different now is not so much a rush to get out, but a fear that I am making things worse (her anger and bitterness) and allowing myself to fall back into denial (which might cause me more pain as I come back out of the denial)... does any of that make any sense?...
I really haven't had my coffee yet this morning... Maybe I'm just still in early morning brain fog...
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Why do you think this(anger) has anything to do with YOU?
Do you need to protect yourself - Absolutely
She is not angry at YOU, she is just angry. PERIOD!
This is all about her not about YOU.
I guess I'm letting her words get to me... But you are right and I do understand from everything I've learned about MLC that this is more about her than me -- including the anger... I've just been letting her words about her anger and bitterness get to me lately... I guess I just need to remember that she's really angry with herself or with something inside of herself even though she says she's angry and bitter with me over (insert past issue or current issue-of-the-day here)... I need to remind myself of that daily -- she is angry and unhappy, but until she is ready/able to face her own issues she will continue to project that anger outward onto me and blame me for ALL of her unhappiness.
It's just hard to keep that in mind on a day-to-day basis. God how I hate, hate, HATE MLC and the craziness that it causes...
It's probably hard for me to keep this in mind because one of my personal issues is that I prefer to avoid conflict -- and throughout our R/M I have always tried to keep the peace and avoid conflict... And I guess, despite what I have learned/am learning about MLC, I am maintaining this behavior/habit of trying to avoid the conflict by doing what I think will reduce the stress -- even if the stress really isn't about me but more about the storm going on inside of her.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
I guess I'm letting her words get to me... But you are right and I do understand from everything I've learned about MLC that this is more about her than me -- including the anger... I've just been letting her words about her anger and bitterness get to me lately... I guess I just need to remember that she's really angry with herself or with something inside of herself even though she says she's angry and bitter with me over (insert past issue or current issue-of-the-day here)... I need to remind myself of that daily -- she is angry and unhappy, but until she is ready/able to face her own issues she will continue to project that anger outward onto me and blame me for ALL of her unhappiness.
It's just hard to keep that in mind on a day-to-day basis. God how I hate, hate, HATE MLC and the craziness that it causes...
It's probably hard for me to keep this in mind because one of my personal issues is that I prefer to avoid conflict -- and throughout our R/M I have always tried to keep the peace and avoid conflict... And I guess, despite what I have learned/am learning about MLC, I am maintaining this behavior/habit of trying to avoid the conflict by doing what I think will reduce the stress -- even if the stress really isn't about me but more about the storm going on inside of her.
Yes that why we believe NONE of what they say! And half of the actions.
Words are likely to be lies.
Now as far as your conflict avoidance most of us are that, so you are in good company.
When I first came to these boards I thought that moving out was the best scenario and advised one LB husband to move out as fast as he could so his MLC could begin her recovery. I thought the physically separation would stop the WAS from thrashing around like a caged lion.
The longer I have been here the more I see that is not the case. The WAS usually just finds something else to thrash around about.
Seems unrealistic for you to find a place to live that can accommodate 3 kids when you have custody while you don't have a job.
Have you had any discussion as to how you will share custody? Also who is currently the primary child care provider, who does the lunches, follows up on homework and test, takes them to practices...
Maybe to help releave your W of "some pressure" you could suggest a temporary Irish Divorce for the next few months where you live in separate bedrooms and don't speak but stay in the same house?
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
