I will write to all of you that are so kind with your words, but I think the shock is just working through me now. That's why Michelle says in a book that you should to leave it alone and not go spying on our spouse.
It's a reality check but no one is 100% prepare to see the person you love and gave 18 years of your life in a situation like this.
It's like a movie pass by your eyes, that day you put your eyes on the amazing person that you fell in love, the day you were so happy getting into a beautiful dress to get married, the day your first kid was born, the first fight that end up in a show of love, kisses and hugs, when you got sick and he was there checking on you... so many things comes and goes.
It's some kind of pain worse then death, if someone dies you know it is the end. In this scenario, it comes with betrayal, lies, unfairness, jealousy. It's a lot of other feelings that boils inside you.
I am very conscious I will not destroy myself over this, I know time is my friend and will heal my heart. I know I need to get out and see people, friends. I need to keep moving, going and do not stop my life.
It's just hard. It's hard to eat, to sleep, to walk, to dress, it is kind of wanting to seat on a hole somewhere and hide for awhile. People tell me I need to think about myself and move on. I know all that. But how you just snap and keep going?
H sent me a stupid message last night about 10pm. He said that he has S14's pillow, two jackets from S17 and was looking for S17's pillow two, things that they forgot at the condo in the mountains. I don't know what was the purpose of that message and I did not replay to it.
I do not want to talk to him. And I decide that I will in my own terms. I decided that I need my space and my time and I will respect it. If he insists then he will just hear from me that he can go ahead and file for D, he does not need to talk to me about. Right now, I want him to burn in hell.
I am a person of faith, I have God with me and he is helping me. But I am not God or an Angel and I need to be alone in order to forgive, to let go. That's what I want, to follow my God's path and think that my H can choose what he wants and I need to bless the time we spent together in this life and let go without any hate in my heart. I just need time to get there.
Today I feel wear, I am very emotional, my body hurts, I am tired, I did not cry much before, but today it's just coming and I can't really control it. I guess it is the shock being process inside me. I am grieving.
I need to remember not to be sorry for myself, like many of you said, I am a strong person, I have a strong personality, I love myself for being just, honest, kind and I also love myself for being hard, straight with my words, explosive. I have my three kids to live for and they deserve better.
So today, if H wants to talk he will talk to the wall, I am not there for him. The good side is that I will detach, I can feel it will be easier very soon.
I have a ton of work waiting for me today, so it will be easy to navigate the day. Later I will be back home and take the boys somewhere to have some fun and eat out. I don't want to be home when H decides to stop by to drop off those pillows and jackets.
I am also so thankful I have this child inside me. During my life I keep thinking that I need to be a lady, I am not so young and yet I have this 17 years old inside. I am crazy like a teenager, and now it is what is sustaining my good spirit. I am able to smile and see a bright life. It's not the end of me, it's just a hard fall, my knees are bleeding kind of thing.
Thank you for being here for me, I don't know what it would be without you. I keep coming back and reading all the nice and warm words from you all and it makes me stronger. I am a nice person, everyone loves me... it is time I love myself as well.
I am not writing in your threads now, I need to gather myself and be in good spirits. But I promise soon enough, Pink will be back, and more sassy then ever.
By the way, on friday I am going to dance samba, my brazilian music that will bring me some joy.
