Mighty, The MLC split is very different from a normal split. There is no rhyme or reason as to why they walk because they had good marriages. Every marriage has ups and downs and no marriage will always be fun and exciting like the days leading up to it. In other words, the honeymoon phase slowly disappears and reality sets in w/bills, work, home life and children. In many marriages, if there are problems, they can be worked out, however, the MLCer doesn't think rationally and doesn't want to work things out, but rather destroy everything and move on to the next phase of seeking a companion and start over. They can't think further than one step in front of them. It's the word "new" that calls them away from what they had. Hence, very few, if any, of us get "closure". It boggles my mind each and every time I hear of someone going off the rails into MLC land.
Yes, the touch and goes are painful because we think that they are actually waking up and wanting to reconcile or try to come back home. However, they are only moments of clarity and to see if we are still right where they left us. We begin to warm up again and want to see and hear the "normal" spouses and our hopes raise just a bit and then BAM! they are back in the tunnel again. The best way to deal w/the mlcer is to put some distance between you. You can lovingly detach and go on w/your life.
Accepting that you are divorced and what it entails takes some time getting use to. You've not had the time to really explore what it means because your h and his drama have been all over your side of the street. It's time to sweep his drama back across the street and allow yourself the time to mourn and move forward w/your life. If he ever wakes up and does the actual hard work of fixing himself and his situation, then I would allow him one step over on your side of the street. He's got to prove to you he's ready to come back and be the mature man, husband and father and not some wimp who can't make up his mind and runs to you all of the time w/his drama. Quite frankly, he looks to you as his "mother" to fix things, give him advice and yes, encourage him to do the right things. "Mom", step back, allow your man child to grow up and take on the responsibilities of life.
Mighty, you will feel so much better if you were to put some distance between you. When your friends and family start to talk about h and his mess, shut them down. You don't need to hear this stuff. It only makes things worse for you. I know you love him and would like for him to return, but it's going to be a long time before that happens, if ever. It's time to start thinking like a single, independent woman who has some great kids and a life that's worth living. Whatever happens, you are going to be just fine.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
