Doing the limbo thing (thread #8)

[Sotto]

Hi Shodan

Good to hear from you - I was thinking of you the other day and wondering how you were doing. Sorry to hear about things being 'half baked' still. So you say your R needs to go back into the oven. She needs to miss you more and believe she is losing you.....what are you going to do next?

[shodan]

Great question Toots. That is the hard part. As noted earlier by others, I should be working on our R and reestablishing intimacy, not doing more DB actions. Ultimately, I need to focus more on me and getting back to the old Shodan. I am already creating space by the fact that I am traveling a good amount for work. I just need to be more strong, upbeat and confident. I need to get out more for me and reconnect with friends. I have made saving my M my big focus that I am not being me.

[shodan]

The last few days have been pretty good. I have been super focused on my kids, especially my S8. I have made a commitment to just live my life and focus on my friends, my kids and myself. My W continues to do more and more to work on the M but I also know that too much of my mind/effort is on her and what she is doing/thinking. I need to refocus on me and just BE HAPPY.

The other day, I spoke with a good friend who recently went through a D. It was pretty nasty (lots of legal battles, threats, arguments, etc.) But the silver lining is that although he went through a dark period, he is happy now. He has a girlfriend and was dating before he met her. He also said that he is a much better boyfriend/potential husband than before the D. He has learned a lot from the process and is a better man as a result.

[indigo1]

I was where you are right now sho. Heck, I was even turned down on the ML department for the first time during this phase. It hit me pretty hard to be honest. The only thing I could do at that point was to take the focus off my W and just be happy as you said. After 3 weeks or so of no pressure on the W and me just being confident and happy things became great.

My W actually admitted to me that she felt she could never be in love with me again after having me come back home. She even told her closest friends that it was not possible to forget the past and love me as the new me. That she only let me come back home for D sake. I just get the feeling that your W may be in this phase right now. The phase of being half in and not sure if she can ever be in love with you again. Just continue to be the new you and take the pressure off of your W for awhile and see what happens. You may be surprised with the way she responds.

Oh, and the whole phone code thing. That was something I absolutely needed to open up and fully trust my W again. Maybe that is something you can live without for now? I know how much it sux having any doubt in your mind, but don't let it consume you.

[shodan]

Indigo

Thanks for your vote of confidence. I think you are correct. I just need to back off and see where things go, but focus on myself along the way.

Shodan

[shodan]

I received some great advice from a friend of mine who recently went through a divorce. It goes along with the GAL/detach components of DB (so nothing new to anyone on this forum). Specifically, he told me to focus on loving myself again and forgiving myself for my role in this situation. He said once I feel love for myself, it will shine outwardly, which will draw people in. He quoted from MLK, who said "Darkness cannot drive out darkness. only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that."

Further, he said to just let her go. Love her but let her go. Allow myself to find happiness. The pain inside is killing me. The pain is present because I still have hope that this M will work. While I want that, I need to let go and find myself again. Perhaps the M does work out. But maybe it does not.

So what does this mean practically? It means assuming that I already lost her and just moving forward with my life. It means traveling for work and planning things with my kids on the weekends. It means finding the old Shodan. Frankly, it is everything that has been drilled into my head by all of you. I just need to do a lot more of it, and more consistently.

There is nothing that I need from my W to be happy and to be whole.

[Train]

That sounds about right, sho. (And that's one of my favorite MLK quotes!)

[Ontheup]

just reading your story and im sorry for your pain. Ive just discovered my wife is having a affair. The pain is immense but we continue for now to live under the same roof (separate beds) for our daughters sake until I can move out 2 months.
Although your relationship is a lot better than mine I can appreciate what people are saying. She wont miss you while your still giving her what she needs. For me moving out will ease the pressure cooker im in and give her a taste of reality. She was asking all along for space ...well guess what...now your going to get it. I wont be here to run around after you anymore. I feel so guilty on our daughter though. We have both really let her down. She has no clue yet. He world is getting destroyed because of our poor judgement.

[shodan]

SRD

Sorry to hear about your situation. All of us want our M's to work for our kids' sakes. I still want my M to work but I need to give my W and myself some space. I have been looking to her to "fix" me and make me feel better. But only I can do that. I don't need anything from her to be whole, to be happy. As Starsky has said, M is the icing on the cake but not the whole cake itself. I need to focus on me, the cake. I need to let her go to figure out what she really wants. I know she wants the M to work but I also suspect that she is not "in love with me" right now. She loves/cares for me and knows that I am a great husband and father (she has said both of these things to me over the past few months) but our R clearly is not where I want it to be. I know she does things in the effort of "faking it until she makes it" but her actions are not where her heart is.

Therefore, I either can sit her and ask her for more and hope that that she gives me more of what I want in our M or I can move forward. Moving forward allows me to not depend on her. It takes the pressure off of her and me. And it allows my pain to go away. I often get terrible chest pains b/c I am so focused on her, what she was thinking, why she texted back "thank you vs. thank you so much!". I cannot live my life wondering where her head is. I cannot continue to read into every interaction.

The funny thing is that right now our M is probably stronger and better than most of our married friends. But that may not be enough for my W and I cannot make her want to be in our M. I cannot make her want to work on our M. She knows that I know where I went wrong in our M. I have made some great changes since the BD. Are these changes sustainable? yes, for me they will be. I just needed that reminder.

Rock on!

[Ontheup]

Hey Shodan

I would also love my marriage to work. It did for many years. The last 3 we have just become distant. Fault on both sides. I see the same stuff happening with some of my friends and have seen it happen to my best friend in the past. We used to go around to their house for tea occasionally. We were all loved up and they didn't even sit next to each other. They had 2 kids and had just grown apart as neither putting real effort into it. We used to come away saying "doesn't look good" thinking we would never end up like that. Well a few years after his wife also had an affair plus other issues. They split and divorced. She then married the guy she was having an affair with. My mate has since gone onto be with someone else and have another child.
I was at a do with them not long ago and his ex wife (a bit drunk) said she still loves him and prays for the day they can all be together.!! my mate said to me he isn't really in love with his new GF either. What a mess. They were too hasty in getting divorced and neither one of them had the tools to try and piece their marriage. DB'ing. They should have just separated and gone there own way and see how things worked out. Moved on but not rule out any chance. Maybe they would be back together if they had.
As hard as it is I will be moving on. My wife is not the person I knew as I am not to her. If we're meant to reconnect then we will. I certainly wont be making any rash decisions to get divorced.