T0324 continued part 4

[Mach1]

I know that my H feels the way you describe. I just don't know how to fix it. I do appreciate him. I have told him more so than ever since R because I specifically remember Woundedfool telling me during S to use the word appreciate so he hears it.

It is NOT your job, to "fix" it...

And I can assure you, that you, just "telling" him that you appreciate him, means very little to him right now. Because your ACTIONS, do not say that to him...

I need/want him to step up and be the man.

No, I don't think that you do.

I think that you want him to "step up" and be the man that YOU tell him to be....not the man that HE needs to be, for himself...

And as long as you keep arguing that point with him, you are doing more damage than you are good.

Do you think I like asking about the money from his boss? Absolutely not. I wish he would take care of it and I didn't have to get involved. But he hasn't so I felt I needed to step in especially since he's talking of leaving the place.

Still, YOUR fix, for his problem.

But trust me I do not want to be the man in the R I want my H to take charge. I am fine with that. I don't want all the responsibility I don't want to nag him or have to ask him to take care of things. Before he used to say he wanted to help with the bills because he felt I controlled all the bills. So he took over a few ... We had late payments on every single one. Sorry I'm blabbering.

Anytime, someone tells me to "trust" them, it sends up some red flags for me.

So, I "trust" , that although you don't want to be the Man, or know how to be the Man. You can still find the time to tell him how to be the man....

My point is I would Be so happy if he told me what he needed but I dont. I know there are things I can fix as Cat has pointed out but in the longterm I want to know what he needs from me to be happy.

He has told you what he needs, it just doesn't "fit" with your version of how he should be the "man"

I do want him to be happy. I want him to look forward to coming home. I don't want him to have to be stressed or depressed all the time. I wish he could talk to me before he got into such a deep place.

My guess is, that he DID tell you, and you weren't interested in listening, because it didn't jive with what you wanted to hear...

I have commited to doing nothing but sometimes I fear that H will take it as me giving up on him.

It's not about doing nothing, and I haven't read here that anyone told you to "do nothing".

What I HAVE seen, is that you are more willing to defend your stance, that you don't really ever hear what he has to say at all.

And before you tell me that I am wrong, you have done that with anyone that goes against you here, with strangers, that you don't know, and aren't overly comfortable with.

So I can't imagine how that could lessen any, with him, the person that you are very comfortable with.

So maybe, instead of your do nothing mantra...

Maybe you should just think about achieving some goals for the week...

STFU-Understand that no matter how hard you think that you can, you will never understand him until you can "hear" what he is saying. And you can't really hear him, as long as you are talking, and thinking of your next defense, while he is speaking.

Make a list- Instead of making a list of wrongs, make a list of things that YOU can do differently, and a list of what is working.

Communication styles- Understand how you communicate, and where your styles clash. Would you describe yourself as an extrovert ? Is he also an extrovert, or an introvert ? Two very different styles there, and they communicate very differently.

So yea, not "do nothing"....

Do what works instead...



Also, you are gonna need a new thread...this one is gonna lock soon...

New threads typically indicate new growth, and I hope that is the case for you...