Ganb8te 4 - Putting on my giraffe ears

[Zelda09]

[quote=Zelda09]
Thinking partners are not as good with dealing with emotions and showing empathy. When Feeling partners share a problem with Thinking partners, the Thinking partners may react by offering a logical solution only as they are not comfortable dealing with the emotions of others. This reaction may result in the Feeling partners feeling that they have not been heard or understood. = So we *are* the emotional distancers, just like you said the other day. Which is quite eye opening for me as I always focussed on the fact that H (as a Feeler) didn't do well to share his feelings whereas I should have been focussing more on showing empathy. Doh!
[/b]

Ganb8te, all - I am trying something a little backwards with this in mind and I might be on to something. *disclaimer - I might not, either.

I've flirted with the LRT since we are separated physically, but in keeping with the idea that WAH left because his emotional needs aren't being met and he felt deeply alone in our home...and NC doesn't change anything...so I am including him in my journey and telling him what he means to me. I don't want to hijack your thread, so I'll go back to mine in a few to share this mornings' details...but he even told me this morning that we are more "connected" now than we've been in months...yet he's afraid that if he were to move back in and we have some altercation we still don't have the skills to handle, that's going to be it for us and he doesn't want to take that risk. It's a long way off of where we were when I was in LRT land last few weeks and he'd given up.

Empathy, unconditional love...maybe they don't want to be 'force fed' that stuff after walking away and giving up on us, but going equally detached as us thinkers are prone to do isn't so much a 180 to them? That bell went off for me when his friend told me that even described me as detached throughout our R. I mean, after some space, a cooling off period...If we don't share with them the depth of our feelings (and trust me, all us T folks have them, it's just not the way we're used to processing the world, or otherwise sticky coping methods in shutting our own feelings out), how are they to know we aren't just tooling away in our lives oblivious to them?

I think it is possible to emotionally pursue the person you love without pursuing the relationship and putting that pressure on things? I don't know, but it is definitely moving us closer (this week).

[jim0987]

Morning ganb8te

I find thus personality type discussion really interesting.

I'm an INTJ. The N and T are really strong preference, the J is a slight preference and the I is moderate preference but this is also reflective of my social anxiety (my IC called me a socially anxious extrovert - which is a challenge in itself)

I don't know my wife's type but I would guess ISFJ.

Which I think is a source of conflict in that my cold T rationale us perceived as uncaring And the introverted judgement we both made causes issues.

Me 'why can't she understand'
W 'why doesn't he care'

In both cases our judgement is misplaced but our introversion stopped us talking about it.

So for me its about recognising how she (and I) feels not what she thinks. By connecting with the feeling I can hopefully shut Mr debate camp up long enough to make people see that I do care.

Need some giraffe ears rather than Spock or jackal ears

[Zelda09]

Jim, it's true. My H regularly told me he didn't wish to debate, it was stressful and not fulfilling for him, nothing he enjoyed in engaging in, just wanted me to listen (and STFU.)

[gan]

To wrap up what shall henceforth me known as The Encounter:

Wish I could have shared a G&T with you and commisserated.

I wonder if he did see you also. Don't you think it is so weird, sad and funny if he did see you and chose not to acknowledge it?

You are welcome to join me for a G&T on my balcony any time, Lisa!

The bizarre things is, no I don’t think it is weird that he would not acknowledge seeing me if he did. I think that is entirely plausible with H. I’m just waiting for him to have his friends collect his records and then change his number ;-)

There is a plus side to H seeing you though and thats that he saw you out volunteering. you were doing good work at something he paid (?) to be at. It shows you moving on and getting on with your life and certainly adds to your mystery.

Agreed. And frankly I couldn’t care less if he saw me. I’ve got nothing to hide.

I had to go back into the town where BF and I lived. OW's business is right on the corner of the main thorough fare. I was nauseous the entire time I was there. I just sped in and out of town, keeping as far away from the old apartment's location as possible.

Yes, I’m fortunate in that I live in a big city so the odds are fairly low (er…1:25,000 evidently). I get the impression that there are a few folks on here who come from smaller towns where it is more likely. I’d be terrified if that were the case.

[gan]

Jim and Zelda,

Yes, I think that the personality stuff is quite useful, too. I appreciate you brining it up, Zelda. If nothing else, it provides a pretty good framework for identifying areas to grow and develop independent of the R (and as an ISTJ I like my frameworks). Of course there are overlaying factors - gender (HNHN) for one. Plus I seem to end up with different personalities each time I take it, which is curious.

I'll put an order for some giraffe ears in for all of us then.

[gan]

Also, I hereby announce that I have officially conquered crow pose. Somehow I managed to do that before downward dog. DD still feels all wrong to me. Go figure.

[Zelda09]

Congrats on your crow! What's next?

[gan]

Hmmm....it's tough to decide. Yoga is a funny thing to learn. When you try something for the first time, you can either do it (even if badly) or you can't - there's sort of no in between. With exception of downward dog and table which I am just not built for, I can do most of the basics. I enjoy the standing poses most as they make me feel strong/balanced. But then I'll come across a pose like half bow where I really don't have the flexibility to get into it (at least on one side) and I'm not sure how to deal with that. I guess just keep up the practice and one day I'll just be able to do it?

I think I'll aim to work on supported headstand. I can at least figure out how to work towards that one!

[gan]

No developments on the R front. Just journalling really...

It’s been a bit of an interesting week with the old processing system. I think I’ve arrived at a place where I am comfortable with just being. I used to struggle to understand how I could balance HOPE with NO EXPECTATIONS of a particular outcome, and in the last week or so I think I somehow stubbled into it. I’m comfortable with the feelings and emotions coming and going, acknowledging that they are there and curious to see where they lead but not attaching too much meaning to them in the moment they arise. Reading that back, I’ve just realised it sounds like something out of a mindfulness book. I get it now. I feel it! That’s pretty amazing really.

Me bringing work stress home was an issue in our M and so one of the 180s I set myself early on was to learn to sooth myself so not to dump it all on my spouse at the end of the day. There were a couple of times at work this week when I felt challenged. I probably didn’t handle them as best as I could, but when the rough moments hit I took active steps to question my thoughts and feelings and talk myself down from a wound up place. I still need to work on this but it was interesting to see that process swing into gear. When I was explaining some of my work-related issues to my IC a while ago she challenged me with the question “What’s at stake?” I’ve since realised that most of the time the answer is “nothing,” which is to say most of the time its all in my head and I’m just taking things too personally (ISTJ personality shining through there).

I went to my other IC yesterday (hair dresser). She knows all about my sitch and my journey. It sounds like she’s been through a lot in her life as well. Over the years I’ve been going to her I’ve picked up that her brother died years ago with addition issues, her mother died a few years ago, she has an awful step dad who still treats her badly, and she divorced a decade ago though says she’s never been in love. But mostly she just validates me and the journey I am on and expresses her admiration for how I’m handing things. Every time I get my hair cut I leave feeling good about the path I’m on. She’s also contributing to the external expression of this journey - I’m sporting a new hair cut, new colour and we even discussed going long. Favouring practicality over fashion trends, I currently have short hair, so going long would be a bit of a change for me. She’s also teaching me that it’s ok to do things that make me feel and look good. Still not willing to try the free 24 carat gold facial that another friend signed me up for though.

Last night I went to a party with some new friends. There’s a couple of 180s in there - challenging myself to say yes to things I might have turned down before, and make my OWN friends. I “knew” about 5 people at the party (not very well, yet). It was a fun night with lots of champagne + dancing (= no hangover). It was nice to get the external validation that I’m looking good, appear to be doing well. Everyone tells me that actually, so I guess it’s good that I come across that way even though I don’t always feel like it. One woman commented on how she thought it was so good that I was out doing so many things (based on what she see’s on my FB). I was thinking to myself - oh, you mean GAL? Does anyone else have that problem? It’s a matter of time before I drop DB lingo in one of my conversations. I’ve come close to saying “sitch”, “walk away wife” and “GAL" a number of times.

Several of the single ladies last night have been in the dating scene for years. Some have been in long term relationships but not married, and there was one lady who was divorced with 2 young kids. They confirmed what I suspected - the dating scene is tough in the city where I live and Australian guys are a bit meh. One lady was currently dating a guy who divorced a long time ago, was in a 4 year relationship that ended 18 months ago…and yet had recently been over to that woman’s place to paint her house. Sounded very complicated to me. The lady who was divorced was debating whether to go home with a guy she met at the party. I don’t really know the guy but he did attend another party I went to a while ago. If she did go home with him then that would be two for two in my book. Also, I was curious to learn that guys use both eHarmony and Tinder here - it’s common for them to have profiles on both sites.

All this reinforced to me that I still want my M to work out and I’m willing to do the work to see that it does. But...I’m also open to new things and meeting new people. I’m not going to do anything to specifically seek that out at this point, just saying that if the right guy were to cross my path then I think I’d be interested in getting to know him a little better. There’s peace in knowing that.

So in all, I’m pretty content with things these days and ok with the uncertainty of the situation.

It must be about time for H to make contact just to shake things up again...

[Vanilla]

Gan

Finally, reached the end of your thread!

Felt a little embarrassed and not posting as you have written some insightful posts on my threads. I had to have a couple of rereads of certain parts especially of thread 3 as somehow my poor brain mixed up the order of events.

I know what you mean about the lingo, sent a test the other night signed V rather than my real name. Ooops.....

Vanilla started out as my alter and shadow and by adopting her as my avatar then both she and I have developed. I love the use of the Japanese handle you have adopted.

Uganda is one of my favourite countries in the world, landlocked yet full of lakes and rich soil, surprisingly green for Africa, I have spent quite a bit of time in East Africa as one of the companies I worked for had offices in Kampala. I was based at Moya Lodge which is where lakes Albert and Victoria meet and is one of the most beautiful places on earth. Full of Hippos and lake flies as I recall, woke one morning to a Hippo 3 feet from my window, munching on the newly watered grass.

Had the opportunity of travelling into Rwanda to see the wildlife there. WHO were building roads to carry food from Uganda into Rwanda. So wonderful. The children were fascinated by my blondness which seemed to cause great mirth where ever I went. Fascinated by the fact there is no dusk. Light to dark almost like a light switching off.

I totally appreciate the image of the giraffe, they stick their slender necks above the bushes and listen intently, moving their heads in unison to the surrounding interesting sights and sounds.

Just musing.....

Vanilla