Jim0987 #10 - getting ready for mk8

[jim0987]

Thank you all. Although i got very little sleep and my house is depressingly quiet and empty this morning I do not feel the same level of despair.

I understand her views but disagree. I hope one day that the truth will out.

It is possible to view that I emotionally abused her. I was at times so wrapped up in my hurt and my anguish that i didnt understand the impact i was having or the hurt my wife felt at my words. There were occassions where i withdrew deliberately to see 'if she would notice' as i felt neglected and ignored, it did not occur to me that she wouldnt pursue she would withdraw herself.

So yes it is possible to argue that my actions over a prolonged period hurt and upset my wife but to do so is to assume the dynamic was entirely one way and that my wifes behaviour was perfect. I do not wish to but i could equally create a scorecard of the ways in which my wife was/is 'controlling' and i felt 'abused' and 'neglected'

The abuse she refers to of recent months has been the times where she has been clearly lying about her whereabouts and I have questioned the inaccuaracies in what she says or the two/three occassions i have referred to OM1. If there was abuse here it was through manipulation of her sense of guilt.

I am aware that she is apologising to her sister for not being there for them over the last few years. This is the same sister who has visited 4 times in 5 years, never phones except when she wants something and regularly takes advantage of the rest of her family.

I think this is my way of saying I know i did wrong and i know i made mistakes but it reflects a poor dynamic in our relationship. There are two books that to me have best described the issues in our Marriage - NMMNG and MAFM,WAFV. I believe the 'truth' of our issues lie somewhere in these descriptions.

Anyway I am now about to head out the door to collect my kids fo the day. with them. It should be an odd day in my furnitureless house but i imagine D3 will find that an adventure - even if it makes lunch a bit tricky.

When i visit her house i intend to be warm, caring and friendly. I will also be taking her a small box of chocolates i bought in belgium as a gift to welcome her into her new house.

I know this is not DB’g but i have spent a lot of time the last week or so thinking about who i am and how i want to live my life by certain rules (i will post about this separately in a day or two) and for me that means certain things.

I am considering a short letter but i may well just say this or something like it to her. This the draft of what I intend to say

Wife,

I cannot begin to fully understand what you have gone through and what you have felt these past 4 months and I am only now beginning to understand how you felt in the months/years leading up to your decision to leave. I do know that I have tried to support your decision as best I can through what has been the hardest and most emotionally charged time of my life. I do also recognise that it may not have felt that way for you and so for any part I have played that has made it feel harder or more difficult then I am truly sorry.

I want you to know that I have always loved you and that your happiness means the world to me. I would have done anything to support you in finding that happiness and to make our marriage work, it will be the single greatest regret of my life that it took you leaving to make me understand what you needed from me and the ways in which I could and should have done better.

You have asked me to let you go and so that is what I must do. I will respect your decision and do my best to honour the time we had together by being the best parent I can to our children and being the man you always deserved and always hoped I could be.

I wish nothing but happiness for you in your new home.

With love, always

Jim


On reflection I probably shouldnt say anything of the sort and let my actions speak for themselves. She will either recognisesthese or not but that shouldnt change what I do and how I behave. Instead i must as i said before, just hope that the truth will out