T0324 continued part 4

[Zues126]

I am not your husband and what I went through isn't the same. But I can tell you how I felt, acted, and how it played out.

In 2011 I went through a MLC. We had just had our 3rd child and I felt just as Mach1 described. I gave up my dreams to give to a woman to have a marriage, and instead of trying to be a wife to me she devoted 100% to being a mom. Classic sweatpants/out of shape/no date nights, etc, etc.

I was more frustrated than I could put in to words. My explanation to my best friend is that I felt like I was single, only I couldn't date other women, had no free time, and had to pay 100% of my income for child support. Pretty raw deal.

When I brought it up to my W it was like she couldn't hear me. The same way you may feel completely dismissed or ignored, that was how I felt from my W. She saw things the way she saw them, and I felt my needs and my wants were treated like a kid wanting to buy every toy at a toy store. "Mom knows what's best".

I felt the MLC come on. I began to get attracted to another woman at work. I was emotionally bankrupt from my M and wanted to leave.

But I KNEW I was going through a MLC, and I KNEW that at some point I'd regret those choices, so I switched positions at work, told her how I was feeling, and tried to enlist her help to improve the problems between us. I had specific things that I told her were making things almost unlivable and wanted to get professional help with her to see if we could find a way to get through it.

I felt like it was talking to a rock. It was very clear that nothing would change. I was completely trapped. Take it or leave it. I couldn't accept leaving it. And I couldn't take it.

It got to the point I was DEFEATED. I pulled way back. It hurt too much to interact with her. I was extremely hurt that she would watch me bleeding and not care. I was resentful that as long as she got the paycheck I provided and the male role model for her kids she wanted she didn't care about what I needed. I was so frustrated the only way I could cope was to retreat into a shell, go to work, do my hobbies, talk to my friends, hang with my kids, and keep walking forward.

We didn't talk for about 6 months. I didn't want to leave my M. What I wanted was my W to realize the severity of the situation. Occasionally this was resentment/punishing behavior, but for the most part it was defeat, I didn't know how to interact with her in a way that didn't leave me absolutely soul crushed.

I knew I had my own issues to work on, but I was stuck there as well. I had read a lot of books, gone to an IC, and journaled a lot about it. Finally I just needed a break. I didn't have an A, I didn't DO anything. I just needed to do my own thing for a while and try to let the pain stop a bit. I really didn't want to leave the M, I was hoping we could work it out at some point, but I just didn't know how. I was still trying to figure it out but hoped at some point she'd do the same.

Instead she dropped the bomb. She said she couldn't live like that anymore, and gave me a WAW speech.

I was heartbroken and angry. Heartbroken because I loved her. Angry because I coped with unbelievable amounts of pain over the last 3 years and continued to stay the course believing we could work it out. If I knew she was going to give up I wish it had been years ago. But she waited until she had the 3 children she wanted, she raised them to the age of 4 and they were starting school, and it was convenient to leave. I feel like she never wanted to be a W, she just needed my sperm, a few years as a home maker, and a lock on the childsupport.

That's fine. Didn't mean to make this about my sitch. But when I hear you talk about your H, I see in him some of the same behavior. Feeling defeated. Like there's no way to make it work. Not wanting to leave, but not seeing a way to win.

You want him to rise up and be a person you can live with. He's wanting you to do the same.

Now, in your situation I'm not saying that's fair. I'm not saying that's right. I'm not suggesting you're not already bending over backwards, or that he doesn't have some serious changes to make. I'm just telling you what I see.

It would be a tragic misunderstanding for you to interpret his pulling back as being uncommitted to an M. As far as I can see, his still BEING there is showing a LOT of commitment to the M. Even at this moment I don't know if I could've done anything differently at the time, but I do believe if my W hadn't walked out we maybe could've found our way through it.

As it is I'm ok. I've looked in the mirror and seen my faults. Some I've changed, some I'll have to manage even though I'm human and will never be perfect. I hope to someday find a woman that is willing to put in the work in an M instead of walking away. If my problems are too much for a woman to handle then I'll keep trying to grow and keep being appreciative of what I do have in my life.

So this spot stinks, and I'm sorry. But I would encourage you to look at the pain YOU'RE going through dealing with this sitch as being as temporary as going through a MLC yourself. It won't always be like this. Trust me, he can't live like this forever either.

So I'd say don't use his behavior or your feelings as a reason to force any life changing decisions. And try to understand what he's feeling that he feels is forcing him to pull back this much. If you say there's no reason for him to do so, in a way that's almost minimizing how he feels. He's obviously suffering and pulling back, you think he likes this? To HIM something's causing enough pain to try to escape the situation.

I agree that the car is pushing your buttons, maybe to get you to diagnose him as MLC so he can tell himself you don't get it and justify behavior he knows is childish. Whatever. It's a car. I don't see it as being as important as an M.

LONG RAMBLING POST BUT LET ME ASK YOU THIS: If you and he could put the whole thing on hold and his heart could talk honestly to yours, do you know what he'd say he needed from you to feel happy in the M? NOW- you already know this part and are doing A/B/C about that so let me ask you the follow up: WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT'S STILL NOT WORKING FOR HIM?

T0, I'm sorry you're there. I wish it was easier. I wish he was stronger. I wish M's were easier. But I also wish my W had asked those questions instead of leaving. I was prepared to give her another 40 years of love if we could've found a way through that. She gave up on me because she felt I was being childish or abusive. No one wins.

Again, I'm not the expert, I'm the one going through a D with my own problems. But if any of my failed M or any of my rambling does anything for you please take it. If not I hope you know I'm not judging or blaming. Just hoping you can do better than me and my STBX did.