T0324 continued part 4

[cat04]

Mach- pretty much your last paragraph describes H to a T. That's exactly how he feels, never good enough, etc. I don't want to be that nag either. I want to be fun and have fun and I try to. Then he is always miserable and it in turn really makes my attitude annoyed with him because he's so damn miserable and unhappy.

Vicious circle isn't it?

Maybe try not reacting to his acting "miserable." Just go about your day without letting his mood affect yours.

I struggle finding a balance because at some point we have to be responsible and discuss logistics. I feel i can't vring up things that upset him because of his reaction and how it will make him upset and pull away more. But things (responsibilities, bills, kids, logistics) have to be discussed

Have you never made a decision regarding kids, payed bills, whatever without talking about it?

Right now, maybe these things don't need to be discussed as much as you believe talking about them means you are both "in" the marriage.

It seems when I'm quiet and distance myself it's easier for him to act out

Are you his mother or his W?

TO,

You have had quite a stressful few days. While I am sorry for that, I can see that you have perpetuated quite a bit of it.

I have seen talk here about MLC and mental illness, Mach even gave you his view of MLC, which is one that I happen to agree with. I don’t doubt that your H has some confusion and whatnot going on and he may even be depressed. I can also see how you are contributing to the situation instead of helping it.

Which in turn is working in direct conflict with the goal that you repeatedly say that you want which is a happy marriage with your H.

I am willing to bet right now that the thing that is pissing you off the most is a result of this…

My H came back and chose to come back, crying begging and pleading. He was everything I needed him to be - an open boom, daily texts, loving behavior, tons of physical touch, such open communicAtion about what was going on in his life and the decisions he was making. Then slowly it stops.

He came home. You deemed to give him a second chance. And he is throwing it in your face. Instead of being different forever.

Yes he was everything YOU needed.

Tell me what YOU were for him? Did you suddenly become the loving, doting, understanding W? Did you become the porn queen in the bedroom that most men seem to want? Did you reciprocate to him by meeting his needs or were you just happy that yours were being met?

The road goes both ways.

You nagged him about money that was owed to you that you wanted him to recover. He responded to you and you couldn’t accept his answer at the time so you kept asking (maybe not often in your mind, but I have learned that men don’t appreciate revisiting something they believe they have answered.)

It's hard to move forward from the past when someone acts this way.

No it isn’t. YOUR happiness is not dependent on HIS actions. If you want to move forward from the past, you move forward from it. Period. You change your behavior, your reactions, your actions, and sometimes your beliefs. It isn’t always easy. Believe me, I still have triggers from many many years ago that come knocking on my door once in a while. It happens. It is part of life.


You were called controlling earlier in this thread by another poster and ironically you say your H called you controlling when you confronted him about the car.

Congratulating your H about his purchase, then chastising the way he went about it (ie…I wish you would have let me know…why? So you could text no and argue and he would give in to you and not get the car he wanted?)
Followed up by…

I also told H enough with the games. Just be honest and say what you want. I am not going to fight about it. If it's divorce so be it.

I didn't get a response.

You are lucky. Many people would have walked. I probably would have.

My way of fixing it is the only way I know. I have a notepad on my phone with a bunch of issues I have with myself and with my R with H that I am keeping tabs on so I can bring it up in IC.

So maybe it is time to learn a new way to fix it. Sometimes, simply letting go is the fix.

Get rid of the list with regards to your H. It is scorekeeping. If the issues are big enough to really affect your R, you will remember them.

I don't know what his issues are with the M because he doesn't even know. He couldn't even answer that to the C. According to him he has no issues with me he's just stressed and depressed about his job and finances.

If I don't know what he's thinkig or feeling then how do I fix it. I am not a mind reader.

You are right you are not a mind reader, however you sure spend a lot of time trying to be.

Google controlling behavior. See what comes up. See what sounds familiar.

I could point it out to you but that would be me doing the work for you.

I know I probably seem like I’m picking on you.

I am a little bit.

You have been given a chance that most people here only dream of getting.

You see how you have been wronged, how you were the victim, and those beliefs were encouraged in previous threads. I am sorry that happened.

It’s time to stop being the victim. Time to stop feeling like your H owes you something.

Db or not. That is up to you.

One thing I can promise you is that you are never going to talk your way out of something you acted your way into.