Jim0987 #10 - getting ready for mk8

[jim0987]

I know i should update on what i’ve been doing, how my GAL activities are going, the interesting stuff I've read and what i’ve got planned for the weekend etc. etc.

In a lot of ways it been a really good couple of days but it doesn’t feel like it matters.

Today my wife completed the purchase of her new house and moved out.

I have returned to an empty house. A house that no longer has my wife, my kids or my cats, devoid of furniture and simply a shell for what should have been my family home.

Nowhere ever felt like home for me until I moved in with my wife, and then it wasn’t about the house it was that I came back to somewhere where i felt happy, secure and loved. Now I am back to where I was for so many years – I have somewhere to live and its the same place as I’ve been for the last 18 months but it’s not home.

My wife is gone and she may or may not be in a relationship with another man. Apart from the legal documentation we are to all intents and purposes divorced. And never did before BD did I believe that was a possibility. It just shows how complacent i became and how i took her for granted.

When i got in I cried and I kept asking why she would do this but i know the answer to that question and although i disagree, it is her choice not mine.

My wife has left because she believes that I have emotionally abused and bullied her for years. She openly says she is scared of me and my reaction. She has told all her friends and family that i have abused and bullied her. Her sister says she should get the police involved.

She is proud of her strength in this and that she is ‘finally standing up for herself’. Her independence and strength were always some of my favourite things about her.

She can’t stand to be around me and although she loves our children she hates that they mean i will still be in her life.

In the 4 months since BD, I have bitten my tongue, I have done what she asked, I have given her every penny i can afford and i have not fought her on anything except making sure my rights to the kids are secure and that i am financially protected. And yet still she thinks that in this time i have ‘played her’ and ‘abused her’ and that i’m ‘hiding something’ – I do not know what more i could have done to make this easy on her. I offered to move out, I repeatedly offered her the more comfortable bedroom. Anytime she expressed a concern i explained what i was doing as best i could in the most empathetic way I could, but generally she didnt ask she just assumed.

Yes my behaviour hasn’t always been great but i have given her space, I have not initiated contact outside the house. At home i have most of the time left her to it. I have on occasion made comments which she found hurtful or engaged in relationship discussions but i am human and there is only so much i can take when she is pursuing another man and saying the things about me she does.

I have made many changes and improvements, I have been more of the man i should always have been and i feel like many of my poorer behaviours are gone, hopefully for good. I do however recognise that the work is not done and that unfortunately I have not handled this situation with the dignity and class that I truthfully should have done.

I do not see any way back from here except to change myself, wait 3 years and hope that in that time she doesn’t find a more satisfying relationship, which wouldn’t be hard for her given how unhappy she was. This is why she left as she views anything as better than the situation she was in.

I also wouldn’t wish the 3 more years of unhappiness it would take upon her or our kids, it is better she is happy.

Even if by some miracle she did decide she wanted to reconcile with me, her friends and family wouldn’t allow it and she has never yet not done what her sister tells her.

I miss my wife and I wish there was a way for her understand how I feel and that I now understand what she needs from me, what she always needed from me.

Wife, If by any chance you ever read this then I want you to know that I love you and I’m sorry.



Tomorrow I will be picking up the kids from her new house and right now im concerned whether i will even be able to hold it together. Im sure i will but it is reflective of how i feel.

a new phase of my life has begun and it is the last thing i ever wanted, i must somehow find a way to make that next phase good and i must believe that somewhere down the line I can be happy again without the woman I love.

But as of right now i am alone and i am sad.