(uR- you were right- you guys are picking me up through this. Whew. That's a lot of work. I'm a tiny girl, but loads of baggage!)
Live, this>>
Quote:
When God pushes you to the edge, trust in Him fully, because only two things can happen: either He will catch you when you fall, or he will teach you how to fly!"
LOVE IT!
S- you are right! I don't want to know anything anymore. I think you and I had the same mindset at times. I was thinking about it this morning after I heard that comment. And I was like, why would I want to hear about that? (then read your post and was so like, word.) I just have to remove myself from this. I have to live my life. MY LIFE. That isn't my life. It was a disruption in my life.... but it's not my friggin life. And yes, I thought I needed to piece everything together. But, at what end will it stop? And how are present situations piecing anything? They aren't!
Here is what I discovered today... after picking up the pieces of my own thoughts I've had, and collectively placed them together. And I had a bit of an eye opening experience.
I have never had any closure or ending with my r with xh. I have always felt like his wife. And when I heard things, it just felt like it was just an on-going affair. Yes, started that way, but in my eyes, our r never properly ended. I have, even to this day, still felt like his wife. Perhaps because there was never a conversation about ending our marriage (outside of bomb), but it was just a bit of a separation, then we'd talk. The talk never happened... and yadda, yadda.... you know the rest.
However, because I was standing and never really left that, until I was hit with a nuke... I was left in a state of disbelief. Because of that, I never really accepted it for what it was. Our marriage- over. xh and hww- in a r. It seemed more to me, a series of unfortunate events that had to be worked out. And I mean, when I would say, "I can't believe it." I truly meant, I couldn't believe it.
So. Now. I have to accept that I am, in fact, divorced. I have been for 5 months now. And, I think just when it was slowly start to settle, only three months after, is when xh told me he made the biggest mistake of his life. So, it never really settled. It was more like, I KNEW IT! See, it wasn't real! But the reality is... it happened. They were in a r. I am divorced. It has never sunk in. That's what keeps me spinning. That's what has gotten me hung up with hww. Because I felt like she thought it was real. And she needed to know it wasn't. Physically it was. And that is that. Was he happy... I really don't think so. But he was there. He did divorce me. Mistake or not. It happened.
Now, I need to accept this. This is me now. I need to come to this understanding. From that I can heal. I can grow. I can learn.
I need to separate myself from the r I had with xh. It is no longer there. Is there a connection? Sure. But it's not that.
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Digression.
d13 broke a bone in her foot. xh and I were texting about it while I was at the hospital getting xrays. Then after I was heading home and he texted me that he was working late with jimbo. (I was wondering why he was telling me this, other than he is picking up d13 after her game- she can't play). Then texted me again with specifics, he was headed to the downtown office with jimbo and bozo for work in the x building. First off, I have no idea what the x building is (I gave it a different name), nor do I have any idea why he was giving me detailed information about where he was going and with whom.
Whatever- not even going to think about it. Just kind of laughed. Guess hes used to reporting to someone. Alone time will do him well.... I hope!
