So sorry, Frank...the lack of control over one of the most important parts of your life, and the hurt really is gut wrenching but please do try to get some nutrition and sleep, take care of yourself. I know that seems like it may require more energy than you have, (I was there eight weeks ago) but you know what they say about the oxygen mask - has to go on you, first, before you can help anyone else.
I can relate to what you describe, and Michelle's article on this site, about 'where were you when I needed you.' I also avoided confronting problems in my marriage...generally, b/c I wanted to minimize them. My H spent all year pushing me further and further away...and one day there was a stress that sent him over. Despite limited income, the most important thing he says to me now is that he has to find himself, prove he can be independent, and protect himself from more pain which initially translated to giving up on me.
Sounds like your wife is also hurting, unhappy, and angry. If you haven't read DR, start there. I've also found Non violent communication by Rosenberg on youtube very good for opening my mind and heart to what was happening.
Give her the space first and your best unconditional friendship, empathy, support, when you get the chance, without trying to pull her back into a place she's decided is no good for her. Seek to understand her and connect with her when you get the chance and when she is open to it. Try to use this time to understand really what she needed from you, or where your changes need to start. Really try to feel it from her point of view. Trust me, telling them you'll do anything to make them happy doesn't go well - the first question is "then why didn't you?" and the second thing they're thinking is "you can't be a whole other person." When you do talk with her, whatever is said, try not to argue with how she feels or tell her how unhappy she'll be without you, protest or be combative in any way (even if it feels like you're fighting for your marriage) - show her you are listening like you've never listened before. This is the truest way you can show her how much she means to you right now. *It may take some time before she will be ready to open up, too.
Hang in there. One day at a time, be as good to yourself as you can be.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
