Unfortunately, there isn't a rule book that tells you how to handle each interaction. You just have to find what you can live with until one of you is ready to make a decision. Truthfully, this needs to be about you finding your own happiness regardless of what choices your H makes. Please take this^^^^ in
I can't tell you what to do, but I can share some things that were successful for me. H and I never separated. We stayed in the same house and same bed through the entire crisis period. It was hard , but not impossible. The following list are the things I think made the biggest impact:
- If H stayed out late, I was in bed before he got home. I didn't text asking where he was or when he'd be home. I pretended I didn't care even if I secretly cried when he wasn't around.
- If he slept in or didn't come home, I'd take our son to breakfast or a park so I wasn't waiting on him. Almost always he would call to see where his family was so he could join us. Similar experiences ^^^. The paradox became that it really did NOT matter to me if h was there. I have no idea if that showed, but the point is, I did not attach MY happiness or mood or "the whole day" on whether he did or said anything.
Eventually h wanted to be included more, but HE had to show up.
MY happiness is and always has been, MY responsibility.
- I didn't initiate ILY or kisses. I would reciprocate if he did. That does not mean I ignored him, I just would be cheerful and leave when we were parting without waiting for him to initiate it either. This helped me avoid the awakard is he or isn't he going to moment. Same with ending phone conversations.
- when H told me about something he was frustrated with at work or with me, I'd validate what he said but give no opinion or solution. Simply say "that sounds really frustrating" or " I'm sorry you feel that way" ^^^validation is Not agreement. It's "I hear you", not "I agree with"...but it matters
T, I know this is really hard and I truly feel for what you are going through. You can do this!! I think 30 days is a great goal. Reevaluate how you feel then. Not everything has to be decided today.
amen
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
