T0324 continued part 4

[25yearsmlc]

I don't know what his issues are with the M because he doesn't even know. He couldn't even answer that to the C. According to him he has no issues with me he's just stressed and depressed about his job and finances. He is trying to work on not letting hat affect our M anymore. He says he pulls away and gets angry when he is stressed.

This ^^ could all be true. If it is (and my guess is at least some of it is), then pushing at him to SAY more, isn't helpful. He needs space and time to figure it out, IF he can.

In other words, don't push him for answers HE does Not have...yet



And my issues may not be his issues and vice versa. I don't care how he fixes them. I don't even care if they get fixed right now... I just would like some effort.


Effort on his end, and you seeing it in a way that makes sense to you, are Not the same. My guess would be that HE thinks he IS working on his issues...


For him to say he's done with counseling is his choice but it's a gut punch that he's not in this.

I know you see it that way, but that's not to say HE does. For HIM< counseling may have been another form of nagging and criticisms b/c it tended to rehash things that you are not happy with, in him...

For HIM, maybe counseling was another cheese less tunnel.


I can't make him do anything and I. Know that. I didn't even push for him to come again, even last week I let him know of the appointment and let it be.


But it's obvious how you feel about this choice so it's NOT as if he was really able to say no, correct? Which means he had no choice, and that never feels comfortable.

So again, whatever way he needs to fix them so be it. I would be happy - just for some kind of effort. My way of fixing it is the only way I know. I have a notepad on my phone with a bunch of issues I have with myself and with my R with H that I am keeping tabs on so I can bring it up in IC.

Hey I get this^^. I really do. I'm not a list person but I do make notes. However, another part of me can see how much your notes would look like a "grievance list" to him, or your scorecard.


I've always been open to suggestions because I know I am not good at this alone. It seems the more I stfu the more he pushes me. Mentally I don't know what more I can take. I want to be able to have a conversation with my H that he doesn't walk out on. One that he can explain me his side of the situation instead of saying nothing. If I don't know what he's thinkig or feeling then how do I fix it. I am not a mind reader.

Totally valid. Maybe not what you will get this week, or month, but valid. Can you live without them for....awhile? Would setting an internal, perhaps unspoken, timeline help you? A "Deadline" of sorts, to help you know that you won't be in this limbo land forever...?? Hey, it helped ME but it's not for everyone. And I never shared it with h, I just knew that if my d1 finished high school and h had not figured things out, I'd be all done.


I don't know what he wants from me.

So my goals are to take the next 30 days off. I feel I am reaching a boiling point and I can feel the anger and hurt inside me ready to explode. I'm going to enjoy life for the next 30 days with my boys and focus on getting ready for school. Nothing is going to change right now whether he pushes D or not. The abatement is coming up in the next 30 days so we will both have to answer to that.

My goal is to release this anger and work on forgiveness

My goal is to not react to any behavior H puts out towards me. If he is distant or gets a shitty attitude with me I will not react.

I will not allow myself to get into a situation that I may end up regretting.

So my goal right now is to do nothing, if he continues to walk all over me and push my buttons my hope is that for 30 days I will do nothing

And lastly - thank you to everyone who listens to my struggles, advises me, or just lets me vent.

It is embarrassing to say the least

Not sure why it's embarrassing (please, don't even go there!!)

The plan as outlined ^^ above, is a smart one.

I did something similar at one point, and hope this helps you know what I mean.


About 8 weeks before h was to leave for Alaska, (and thus, the marriage)

he had a 4 day conference in a resort area. He asked me and our 2 d's to go with him. I could not believe it!

I thought "no way". I balked. I mean, why fake "happy family" when the axe was going to fall soon? I could not imagine going and rewarding him, pretending, or letting him be in denial, ETC.

My DB coach said something very different and very wise.

1) "If this is your last vacation together, why not make it a good memory for your daughters?

2) why not make it a good memory for HIM so he'd have something to MISS?

And 3) to NOT fight and NOT get angry."

IN sum, she said my anger, however "right" I felt I was, or however justified my feelings were, they were not as important as my children having a good memory with their dad and me together.

My anger was not so important but honestly, sadly, it had been something I righteously clung to for too long. Thanks to my DB coach,

I figured, maybe I could repress my anger for FOUR days...for FOUR days I could with hold my anger and my negative feelings and suppress my fears,

for my daughters (and for the possibility that h would later regret things and maybe that I might even enjoy myself.) And b/c I needed to know I could live a day or two without feeling this consuming anger within me (I did not like how it felt to ME).

I didn't think I would, but I thought MAYBE I could pull off having some fun with the girls and they'd have a good memory of their dad. I did not realize that I might actually begin to FEEL differently by behaving differently, but it's what happened.

Also, I'm embarrassed to admit that when I contemplated this, I sort of comforted myself with the belief that "hey, I can always be angry and mean to h, LATER"...so it wasn't going to cost me anything to be kind and warm or at least, neutral, for four days...

At first as we were driving there, I thought h was getting a bit nerdy telling the girls about some wild life we saw.

BUT I stopped myself and instead, CHOSE to see him in a new way and I realized that in reality, the girls were learning from their dad. And it's a good thing that h is educated and smart. (And really, I was simply being fairer to h)

Why was I seeing him so negatively before? Probably B/C he'd hurt me and it probably felt like a protective thing to do. ((I know it felt "Safer" to be mad, but was it?))

No, it was actually destructive to our m, and that's just one tiny example of how I had let my anger poison my behavior and what I showed the kids.

Anyhow, I forced myself to "neutralize" anything negative I thought or felt, and sometimes, I was able to convert it into a positive. It got easier after only a day or so. And pretty soon, H behaved in a more relaxed way. He got happier and more positive as well. We both had some laughs too. And some romantic moments too, believe it or not.

And best of all, the girls had a blast with him and me. Went up a mountain and rode horses. We count that as a very good memory. And it was something h thought about later on. It was about 6 months later his loneliness got to him and his calls became daily events, sometimes more than once a day. He'd bring up that trip, and I recall being so grateful for my DB coach (again!)

Give yourself a day at a time with this approach, (or a "conversation at a time") and pat yourself on the back when it works. It can't hurt, can it?

The more we practice NOT showing our temper or anger, but releasing it instead, the better. Also, I think forgiveness takes practice,
Forgiveness is a learned skill for most of us

(b/c how many of us SAW it growing up? Not me).

It takes work and practice, and you'll take 1 step forward one day and 2 steps backward the next. But you get back on the horse and carry on - and it does happen, it does get easier, it does become more 'credible' and believable and doable, with effort and TIME.

((( )))