I would like to explain my situation to see if I can get some advice. I’ve bought Michelle’s book and I’m waiting for it to arrive. Husband and I have been married for 7 years and since he’s an explosive specialist in the Marines, have gone through 5 deployments. We have a 4 y.o. little girl and I can’t begin to explain how hard the years of deployments have been on all of us. I have dealt with various bouts of depression and I have reasons to believe my husband is currently dealing with PTSD, a drinking problems and perhaps depression as well.
He deployed in April of 2014 and during the deployment everything seemed normal, we would facetime often and he was even talking about us trying for another child when he returned. Up until the day he returned it seemed everything was fine, we were planning a vacation shortly after he got back. I noticed upon his return that he was drinking a bit more than usual, but I figured he was just enjoying his vacation. Then on 11/22 out of the blue, he tells me that he can’t continue to fake it anymore. That he wants to divorce, that he loves me but isn’t IN love with me. Furthermore that he’s never loved me, that when we married he thought it would be easy to grow to love me. This was earth shattering for me, but I didn’t break down, and confessed to him that on many occasions I had dreamed of the freedom that divorce might bring, but that I hadn’t because of our daughter. He seemed upset by this and said that it just went to show what a horrible husband and father he is, and that he will never be any good. I finally started crying when I thought of my daughter and then my tears seemed to anger him.
A few days after he dropped this bomb I found out via Facebook that he had been talking to a female Marine who was deployed with him. When I confronted him about her, he denied an affair but said that she reminded him of his high school sweetheart and that he wanted to feel that IN love and happy feeling he had back then. During the following days he kept pressuring for us to see a mediator, we never got around to it. However during this time, maybe because of all the raw emotions, we were intimate a lot and his reactions and responses were not those of a man who has never been in love.
A few days later he flew out of state to visit his parents, they, specially his mother, were very upset about the news. While there, he called me every night to talk and so he could talk to our daughter. He mentioned that he missed home, I assumed he meant the weather, but he said that wasn’t what he was talking about. When he returned we both seemed to be very kind to each other and did various things with our daughter together. He then had to travel out of state again since his grandfather passed away.
Upon his return he made a joke about alimony which shook me noticeably, then he said, if I didn’t want to we didn’t have to talk about that anymore. At this point, I was almost sure he had changed his mind. Some days later I found an apartment application and he moved out of our home into an apartment, saying that sex wasn’t enough.
Since then we’ve texted quite a bit and he calls almost every evening to speak to our daughter and me as well. When he came by our house to pick up his mail, he said that we should hug goodbye, so he hugged and kissed me on the cheek. This believe it or not, made my chest ache but angered me. Then I made the mistake of telling him that him and I shouldn’t see each other or talk to each other unless it had to do with our daughter. I was angry and upset about what he was doing to our family as well as feeling like he was treating me like his granny. He seemed to take this really hard and we didn’t text after that for a few days. This however, was upsetting my daughter that we weren’t talking to each other so it was short lived. Last night he called to speak to our daughter but she was ill and sleeping so we just spoke for a while. He kept yawning so I told him I’d let him go to sleep, he changed the topic and we spoke a little longer, then I said goodnight. This seemed to anger him.
I’ve read tons of advice online and I’m anxiously waiting for Michelle’s book. In the mean time I’ve been exercising, working on my emotional health, spending time with friends and family and want to start doing things I’ve never done or haven’t done in a long time, in an attempt to heal some of the damage our stressful marriage caused my self- esteem. Despite everything though, I love my husband and I don’t want a divorce. Unfortunately we’re both fairly insecure people. While he may have pulled the trigger on the divorce gun, I did more than my share to load it.
He’s only been moved out for a little over 2 weeks and it feels like there’s a gaping, burning hole in my chest. I’m willing to fight for us, but I also can’t live in limbo forever; it’s torture. Also, although he’s only 36, I swear he’s having a mid-life crisis.
I'm sorry this is so long, any advice would be appreciated.
