New England Newcomer

[mahhhty]

As this is a big week, I am deciding to share my D day letter. I plan on giving this letter to her sometime after signing. Probably not that day, but soon there after. My reason for this is an attempt to put my feelings out there, take real responsibility for my role, and an attempt to be heard. I felt like I was unheard most of the time. I've literally spent months on this and changed it over 200 times. But, I am not too proud to not change it. I am open to any and all comments.

STBX,
A person who loves their spouse does not do anything unloving or unkind in manner, word or action. Love is what love does. I now believe I was unfaithful and mentally divorced from you. I was oblivious to your pain and its depth, trivialized your perspective, and was consumed with distractions, was withdrawn and overly critical, and that’s just for starters. I changed into an ugly version of myself, a person I am not happy to have known.

Divorce is an individual problem. It cannot be generalized. Of course, for some there should never be a marriage. For others, divorce is no more a solution than marriage for a lonely man. For me, it is unfortunate that your actions, not your words, were the catalyst I needed for personal growth. I lost my way and myself. I focused on being a victim of circumstance in a situation I couldn’t change or control, rather than being in control of my happiness and my life. I felt entitled to happiness, and expected it to happen to me without work or effort. Obviously, that is a ridiculous notion. Animosity and fear were always in my closet, both on an individual level and as a partner, preventing me from confronting my issues with compassion. I also don’t believe I had any goals or direction in my own life. I let the company I kept to dictate my life priorities rather than taking ownership over them.

I don’t know if I will ever fully understand your perspective, complete reasoning or at what moment you made the decision. Your reasons are yours, it no longer matters what my opinion of these things may or may not be, my acceptance and related animosity or feelings, are issues I need to deal with. I do hear anger on the phone and in emails. I worry that the process of divorce and the related tasks will not give us a solution to our problem(s), and that hurt will live on. I now believe words carry weight, whether spoken or unspoken. Dealing with that hurt will happen at our own speed and in our own way.

I believe we had something most only hope to find. But, life changed us. Regardless, it came natural for me to love you at day one with the tan sweater and brown tank top. My intention from that day was always to give you the best of me everyday, and for you to be proud of your life and ours. I wanted to be a part of your happily ever after. Creating a family. Writing a book. Going to Fiji. Similarly, you were the only one I wanted to be a part of mine.

My hope for you is that you live life to the fullest, love with every fiber of your being and laugh with your whole body each and every day.

Sincerely & Lovingly Yours,
mahhhty