Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[gogofo]

Came home last night and W was cleaning up the house. She had removed our wedding pictures, to where I do not know. She was cleaning up her mess of clothes that had been strewn around our bedroom for the last month. Even though she was stress cleaning, it was nice to see it cleaned up.

We also went through a couple of boxes of items from our old house that had been sitting for three weeks. She had felt overwhelmed about putting things in places and now was motivated to go through them. She started splitting things as "hers" and "mine" which hurt a little, but I let it go and just helped out. It is nice to see her motivated to clean, I just don't like what I assume is her motivation.

I told her I did not know where I was going because I do not know how much money I will have, or need to spend a month until all of this straightens out.

Things were mildly tense, but peaceful and friendly.

I made some ravioli for dinner and we all sat down as a family and enjoyed ourselves. In fact the rest of the evening was enjoyable. It seems surreal that we could have an enjoyable evening, but we did. When the kids went to bed she even stayed up and watched TV with me and I made us a late night snack. She seemed less stressed and playful, that was very nice to see.

We went to bed in separate rooms after that.

So I just don't understand my situation. I don't know if she is acting "as if" or if she is actually enjoying herself. I don't know how I feel about the situation, other than enjoying our evening. I know I get my hopes up (create expectations) and I need to do better at stopping this issue.

I have spotted a house under construction that I might aim to buy if it is in my price range. Nothing I ever dreamed of, but the thought of it has me feeling happy about it for myself.

I need to journal and start free writing about "what do I want" and the thoughts I struggle with. One of them being that: as Feenix said,
"You can't "love someone enough" to make them come back...and you can't "nice" them back. All you can do is be a loving, kind person, truly and deeply for yourself. If your spouse sees that and comes back, that is AWESOME....but if not, still be that better person for yourself." My struggle with this being that I want to keep a happy and healthy environment in the home, but I still hope the W feels that she still wants the M. Sometimes I feel like I enable her to cake eat as I take care of the house, but this is me and how I like to treat people, I feel good helping out. I also sometimes feel like a doormat.

I laid in bed thinking about how resistant my W is to accepting help, she tries to be superwoman and do everything herself. I can relate. But I thought; what is so horrible about being M to someone who believes in your dreams, will step up and provide, wants to take care of you, and loves you? I have plenty of try left in me and cannot understand why she seems to resist my help or not want someone in her life like that? I just need to focus on me and stay out of her sandbox.