Hey guys, I need some outside feedback here, please. My emotions are still all over the place. I feel like I am losing touch with reality, my emotional truth, and talking myself in all kinds of circles over what is happening. Like there's a bigger picture outside of the R dynamic, the changes I need to make, and I can't quite resolve it.
I've definitely wrapped a lot of my head up in where he's at, how he's feeling...and I spent some time this morning trying to detail all of my emotions right now. It helps to write them out, but honestly, I'm wondering now why I am working so hard.
I am feeling:
-annoyed at the fact that he is past mid 30's and suddenly realizes he needs to find himself. But is helpless about how to do that and still in a self-admitted fog. (this sounds like judgement, criticism. It's not my place to have feelings over his journey one way or the other. Implies that he 'should' be somewhere else and 'should' is the root of all emotional discord.)
-concerned that there seems to be a life long pattern of disappointment with people, depression and a not very firm grip on how to navigate the world, assert his needs and his will over his life. that he has said that he looks for stability and happiness as something a partner will bring him. (can I be at peace with his world view, and truly accepting of this if it doesn't change?)
-sad that he doesn't place the value on our marriage that I do. It makes me feel small and worthless, like I am not good enough or worth working for. It is hard not to take his decisions personally.
-And this in turn makes me feel angry that I think it has always been this way, me being more enthusiastic and desiring of our relationship than he was, positive and full of faith for our future. There was something wrong, obviously. And I refused to recognize it. I feel regret over that blind optimism.
-relieved but worried, knowing he's said so many of the same things to our friends that leave them telling me they're baffled. They see the contempt and deep anger he has for everyone right now for not doing more for him. I am not crazy. But this means he is not in a sound place. (there is judgement here. But if these are my values - personal responsibility and rational processing - and I do judge him as lacking in that, is it so bad to be honest with the conflict this presents - how do you respect someone when they dramatically go against your values? can romantic love hold up against this?)
-upset that the support of childhood friends could mean more than his marriage (decision to return to home state). I understand he thinks he needs to put himself first, but at what expense? (not my issue. I need to focus on me.) I can set a boundary here though - if that is his decision, I know that I am not willing to see this out. This is already almost more than I can handle. I would be happier with a D if he really needs to move out of state. I think he imagines I will just put our M on hold while he works on himself like this, but it's just too much for me at that point.
-worried, fearful of the Oxycodone and possible underlying personality and character issues. (Worried because it represents a lifetime of struggle and more of the adult-children of alcholoics issues - subjugating my needs for someone else.)
-confused about what I want in my future - him with possibility of hard life/no kids, or being single and a chance to go after a life and partner that matches my speed, drive, ambition, goals. If the emotion of love is not part of this equation, and the vows I took, my decision is clear.
-grief over everything that has happened to him in the last few years. Grief in my inability to hear the pressure cooker of worry, doubt, fear, his grief, anger over a life that will have some disability and pain for another 50 years...that I wasn't a better partner for him and he felt like he couldn't talk to me about any of that. My blind insistence on being positive and finding the gratitude and joy when he was (is) far from that place. I was there for him sometimes, the way he needed, just not often enough due to my own coping methods.
-hopeful that if I can learn to be more emotionally connected to myself and others that there is a road to a good marriage with him.
-sad over the wedding pictures, the honeymoon album, the life experiences we shared, the life we have built over the last six years being reduced to this. I am not ready to say goodbye to it just yet. I've been trying. I accept that the old M is over...but emotionally, it's still with me.
-angry that he doesn't take any responsibility for the self-talk that turned me into an enemy, or his actions in withdrawal and anger all year long that got us here, the hatred he treated me with. It took two, which he acknowledges, but all he could say about it months ago was an apology over text about not being a better person for me. (why am I trying to hold on to someone that treated me so badly, who is so lost...and has made so many moves to consciously, emotionally detach from me?)
-manipulated? how can he detach like this and still talk about being connected, we can ML, and he can get me all hopeful about coming home for a few days? Am I just a convenient stop while he figures out his situation? Am I being used because I still give a damn?
-worried that there is something in me that needs to be in this mothering role, trying to save him, or that needs this rollercoaster of instability that our relationship has been. My IC has started hinting about this as something I need to explore. I see her tonight.
Maybe there are no simple answers or clear understandings to be had here. Maybe I am driving myself crazy trying to have a view on all this that is somewhat consistent across the board.
Here's a real existential crisis - we're born alone, die alone, and every relationship we have happens exclusively in our own heads - even the other person in that relationship has a completely different experience of it. Every sensation and feeling from our own bodies, it's all in our heads, and there are maybe only illusions of connection with anyone.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
