Hey, T. I'm sorry about the turn things have taken.
Wrt the books... I read both and they are very informative, but won't change anything if your H is checked out as he sounds to be. HTIYM was actually helpful with parenting my boys, if you can believe it, but I had zero openings for using it with STBX. I read HNHN long before he left and he just mocked me for "going to the literature". His head is elsewhere. He also played the "controlling" card... Which in his case was code for "I don't want to give up my OW and you can't make me." (Not saying that's where your H is... But he's clearly not at home.)
I'll say a prayer for you to have clarity. I'm sorry this is how things are going.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
