train, 25yrs, others who kept up on my sitch

[twinmom]

Ok,I have a free "moment". I swear I have kept myself so busy I don't know if I am coming or going. I am earning a decent amount of money and it *mostly* keeps my mind from going into dark places.

So H and I have had a few talks, you know those late night so tired really emotional talks..... Not good for anyone. BUT here is where we are at. He doesn't want a divorce, he loves me but he isn't "in love" with me. He doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He made such a huge mess of this situation he doesn't even know where to begin to clean it up. The relationship between me and his family is so negative he doesn't know if it CAN be repaired.
He was seeing a therapist (who turned out to be horrible and now H refuses to do the therapy thing) I don't know if Retrovile (spelling is wrong I know) would be a good idea for us or not.

He admits that he did very horrible things and wishes it never would have happened. Just a few months ago he said he didn't regret the affair and now he says that he sees how much damage and pain he has caused and regrets what he did.

I have a lot of anger, which H doesn't deal well with. He doesn't meet my needs even when I tell him exactly what those needs are.
I have tried backing off, doing the whole GAL thing and then my sex drive kicks in...... FU*#!!! So I initiate and we have sex and I am back to square one......

I don't know how to deal with my anger towards him. I have triggers and he says "I can't take back what I did, I wish I could" but that doesn't help me in the moment.

Train, you're right. I do want more than a nanny but it is so hard to make him leave and do this parenting thing alone. So basically it's like an in house separation but he doesn't miss me because I am here every day!

Do I need to start at square one of divorce busting? I feel like he is "cake eating" in that he isn't meeting my needs but he is playing the part of happy family.

Oh and he isn't willing to give up the phone code yet. BUT he does check in with me when he is going to be even 10 minutes late and goes out of his way to come home early from work and I didn't ask for these things.

2x4's welcome!