Heather's Prison Break

[LoisB]

And, another miracle to report:

A strange one...

So, last night at church, I had this clear message from God, my Higher Power, my inner spirit guide...call it what you will...

I was overcome, like I am often in church, with the grief of losing my husband. I had, as always, my notebook with me and I started just jotting down what came up. There was this crystal clear message..."Nothing has changed. Go back in time to those feelings. Nothing has changed. What was true at 12, 16, 18, 20 is still true for the two of you. Dig deeper. Reach out with love. Ground yourself in love. Appearances are deceiving. The devil is a liar. Reclaim the girl you were back then. Go back to her Heal her and he will follow. He needs a leader. It's never too late."

OK. So, I've had these messages from time-to-time...sometimes when I'm overwhelmed and want a fantasy of a man who will rescue me. This wasn't the case. This was more like the time when I was driving after a convo with D20 and I felt this huge nudge to tell him he was loved.

So, I'm in this good place and this morning...I reach out to Smokey. "How are you?"

He responds with some confusion and asks about the girls. I give him some honest assessments of where the girls are at...without too much detail.

He responds with some a-hole remarks on how to parent them...D12 needs to go back to school...blah, blah, blah...

I respond calmly...I've met with the superintendent and she has a school psychologist as a counselor...we are all in agreement we need to take this in steps...

He responds with more parental advice..."Well, she needs socialization..."

I respond calmly..."D12 is actually very adept socially. She's not the girl you knew--that's not a jab, just the truth. It's the math and writing skills she needs to work on in order to mainstream."

He asked about D20. I was honest. I didn't come out and say that she was alcoholic, but I did make it clear that she has some similar struggles to her dad.

I wasn't perfect. In a few instances, I shoulda probably shut up. But, it was the best interaction...as far as I'm concerned...for a long time....maybe ever. I was able to meet him as a flawed human being instead of focusing on the rejection. Wow. And, man is he out there.

Giving me parental advice as if he has this great handle on what his kids need. It was pretty sad.

Now, here's the thing. I said what I needed to say and he was the world's biggest d-bag. As per usual.

But, here's the miracle!!! I'm OK>>>>>I mean, I'M MORE THAN OK!!

I let him know he was loved no matter what...but, that I was still divorcing his a$$ and had no problem standing up for myself and the girls. But, I was honest and kind and told him he will always be loved.

And, he rejected me with his adolescent banter which gave me every indication of where he is at. Adolescence, still...

His final remark was, "Everybody has a right to their opinion. Later."

I didn't respond!

Didn't feel any attraction at all...Hardly any hurt. Just sad and the "WOW! reality of how immature this man is...I tell him I love him and how the kids love him and he responds with anger. He is so angry and hurt that he needs to reject me again in a very adolescent way. Shut me down.

The tone of the conversation made it clear that he feels very rejected and abandoned.

Anyway...don't want him the way he is today...no wayyyyyy, no hooowwwww...in fact, he made me think of some other men in a better light...sorta lightyears ahead of him...but, I did what God asked. I reached out with love and I didn't feel it necessary to have the last word.

I suppose, if this man every reaches a bottom...at least he will know I loved him.

Don't plan on continuing this conversation. It was too distracting and too unnerving. I will allow him to reach out if and when he is ready. But, I made it clear I'm not holding any grudges.

AND!!! The biggest part of all this?? I was able to compartmentalize the business side of this and the feeling side...This was the emotional side.

But, I told him I'd be in touch this week with an email about the business side of things.

Life is ok today.