Hey TL, thought I'd stop by as we have a mutual friend in T2.
This cr@p is hard, really, really hard. No doubt about that.
So, wanted to write about a few things, if that's ok. First thing is that this isnt a one size fits all kind of a thing. We have to tweak it to fit us and our sitch. So, take what you think applies and drop the rest.
Having said that, I think there are basic things that apply to all. Galing, detaching or non attachment as T2 calls it, dont go down cheeseless tunnels, etc.
I can feel you feeling that you dont have much control in all of this. But it's important to understand that you have control over your part of the journey - whether to quit or not, whether to grow or not, whether to accept or not. What an opportunity you have, what great lessons you can learn.
You have power in all this.
You have choices you can make. You can choose how to behave, what to feel, how to love.
I will tell you this. No matter what happens, you will not regret that you stood if you do the work.
You will not regret that you were someone who loved so much you were willing to let your spouse find her way.
There are no guarantees except this one: You will not regret that you stood when you are able to look back and see that you acted with dignity and courage and strength.
You need to really embrace the fact that you are trying to let go of your wife in order to allow her to figure herself out.
I wrote this about detaching or letting go.
"There are reasons why your spouse feels the way he or she does. Some of them are true, some not, but they are their feelings so they are valid to them.
When you keep on telling her how you feel, you are invalidating her feelings. You are telling her, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesnt matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.
I get the hanging on for fear that they will move away if you dont. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they wont go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to stop them from hanging on.
When you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you dont want to be married, you dont know how you feel, etc. I hear you. You dont have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect their feelings.
When you make changes it means you heard them. When you give them space…you heard them.
You also give them the opportunity to think. They arent hearing the noise of your words, because that is what it is to them at this point.
It is a mindset, you know. A choice, this letting go. It is a way to honor your marraige.
It is saying that I hear what you are saying, I see that you are hurting, I understand that you need to do this and I love you enough to support you.
It is in the holding on by us, that can stop the forward motion in them. They cannot be free to take those steps, if they are looking over their shoulders at you.
An amazing thing happens when you finally do let go. They feel lighter, but, so do you. You are no longer bound by their actions or their words. You are no longer tied to their emotions. And so, you are free to find your path, your voice, your strengths.
Letting go doesnt mean you dont love them, it means you love them very much.
But what it really says is that you honor you, and trust in you, have faith in you. So much so that you are willing to do the work, find your way, become who you were meant to be. And that maybe, you will find your way back to each other. And if you don’t, you will be ok."
I just wanted say something about being a fixer. I know that it may seem like she changed the rules. When I was first married, I liked that my h took care of me. I had come from a difficult family and it was nice when he did that.
Over time, though, as I grew, it started to bother me. It seemed like he was feeling as if I wasnt capable. Maybe some of that was in my head. But I realized I wanted a partner. Someone who would work with me to figure things out. It seemed to me like he swooped in and fixed stuff without regard to whether I needed that.
I know his heart was in the right place. At least I hoped it was. But I began to feel more and more like he just didnt respect me, like he thought I couldnt handle things and it made me feel really small.
I would imagine it was a hard thing for him to figure out how it made me feel as I didnt express it
But over time it really diminshed me and how I felt about myself.
I wanted him to work with me to find a solution because he respected my opinion and my abilities. The taking care of me part that I enjoyed was the little things that he would do to make me feel special and not him taking over and fixing situations and things that I was capable of doing.
I know that your head is spinning because of all you are reading, what your db coach told you, what we are telling you. Can get you a little crazy, right?
Follow your gut, TL. You know your wife best. No one thing that you say or do is going to make or break this. Try something, see if it works, then readjust as needed.
I do think that you need to let go some. You are still really wrapped up in letting her words and actions affect yours. It's a process. It takes time.
When it gets really tough, take some time, back away, regroup, find some peace in whatever way you can at that moment.
When you are ready, get back on your path. Dig deep, find your footing, stand strong.
