Gogofo - no longer piecing 2nd BD - pt. 2

[gogofo]

Sunday went pretty good. I cleaned the house, did laundry, dishes, washed the puppy, etc. Just tried to stay busy and take my mind off of the situation.

Kids came home at about 3:00 and it was nice to have them back in the house and play with them. They can certainly lighten the mood.

I didn't move my into the basement bedroom. It didn't feel right and I don't fully understand my motives behind why I sometimes feel I should move bedrooms. One of my motives is to get a reaction out of my W, or hope for one anyways. I feel guilty at times that she is not sleeping in the master bedroom, but I tell myself it was her choice to sleep elsewhere. I am just torn about it, so I decided to stay put and keep exploring my feelings about it.

We accepted an offer on our house and sign the papers today at 1:00. This would have been a more exciting event, but with the situation now it just feel like the end of a sad chapter. I wish I felt better about what is ahead of me.

I was nervous and anxious for W to return last night, shows I need more detachment. I was excited to see her, but nervous about what she might say. I have the attitude of a beaten pup and I am worried that at any time she will bring out the "I signed the papers and you will be served". I don't want to feel this way.

Sometimes I feel empowered by my non-control of the situation and feel like opening my heart to her, telling her that I support and love her all the time, especially during times of duress. The attitude is if you already want to divorce, I will not be scared that me sharing my feelings will scare you away. Does sharing feelings scare the WAW away? I kind of tip-toe around her because I know my pushing creates stress, the last thing I want for us.

This is partially motivated by me reading books about the woman's mind; things about how women want to hear that we care about them and love them when times are bad, also things about how they want to be pursued when pushing us away.

Yes I am floundering and in a semi-panic mode about what is going on. So I am looking to educate myself about better understanding what she may be thinking and feeling. I have an engineering mind so I feel there is never enough data.

When she came home I had just finished a sandwich, so I offered and made her one. She told me about her horrible flight with a needy passenger having a tantrum and forcing herself to throw up and acting like a spoiled 3 year old, even though she was 73.

We still share nice conversation, I probably put too much stock in this but it makes me hopeful for us still.

When she said she was going to bed I offered her to sleep in the master and if my presence there was too much I would sleep elsewhere. She said "its okay", I responded with "are you sure" and then just dropped it.

Right now I am going with the "no plan" plan and hope to keep the road paved smooth. I plan on still keeping the house kept up like I had before, cook and clean like I had before, etc. I feel like if I stopped it would be out of punishment, that is not me. Just trying to keep her life at the house stress free and a place to relax, the idea being it is contradictory to her feelings of chaos from our M that she talked about.