Busting this Divorce - 90 Days NC #6

[HPoirot]

Journaling...

W had S12 in NYC all weekend. She texted me pictures of S12 enjoying himself.

Last night, I called S12. He answered but then handed the phone to his mom. She explained he had a headache and was tired. She went on to tell me all the places they visited. She sounded in a good mood. I said nice things about what she told me. Pleasant exchange of information.

She asked me how I was. I said fine. She asked again. I repeated. I was talking evenly and businesslike. Just a little friendly. I'm getting better at it.

Admit I was relaxed b/c I had some rum while watching the football games. Noticed that I could've done without the rum. I had been in good sprits the whole weekend.

On Sunday, my OW from 5 years ago called me. I missed her call. She texted me that she needed to talk. I said I'd be around this morning.

This morning she called again. Over the weekend, a close friend of hers, mother of a D12, was in Rome on vacation. Her purse was stolen. She then had an asthma attack. Her medicine was in her purse. She died.

She started to cry. Life is too short. And it all came out.

How she wanted to D her husband during our affair. How she talked with an L. How the only thing that stopped her was her kids... she would've been forced to leave them in her H's country if she wanted to move home. How, if only I had asked her, what she would have done. How angry she was with herself and with me. How she hated herself for being a cheat. How she bottled up her feelings and moved on. How all those feelings are now back. How she can't sleep now. What's in her dreams now. How she doesn't and does want to go through it again. How impossible all this is.

I listened and cried with her for a long time. She was standing by the ocean. She said it was beautiful. We talked about how we used to swim together and more... so many wonderful memories of feeling alive. How if we never saw or spoke to each other again how those memories would be enough.

And we agreed to stop talking.

...

Today I'm working on my side business and reading my book on finding my own happiness on my own.

And I can't stop crying.

Onward.