The line between being a caring, compassionate person and a doormat is very thin and razor sharp, and sometimes you're going to step on the wrong side of that line.
It is normal, completely normal, to have feelings of being used... I did, most people did/do I bet. Thing is, you are standing, and here, by your own choice. She isn't holding a gun to your head, ya know? You are choosing this path.
I re-framed that messiness into "I am a compassionate person providing a safe, sane place for someone who is hurting and trying to fix herself, as if she was a sister who had a drug problem or something, I accept I may never be re-paid, and I'll not EXPECT that, but choose this because of who I am."
Can you find a way to re-frame it that works for you?
Many times I was in "one day at a time" mode... "one day may be the day I quit, but today is not that day".
The DB coaches are very good and can see things in sitches that aren't obvious, it cant hurt to try their suggestions for a while and see where they go.
Another thing I did was set myself up with 90 day "self-checkins". I would choose to continue another 90 days, no matter what, so I did not have to ask myself if I wanted to continue standing daily/weekly...I already made the contract with myself, so that head space consumption was minimized.
I agree with MCS that this internship will be a dose of reality for her.
How about this.... follow the DB coaches suggestions for the next 3 months, during her internship, and see what changes? And GAL as much as possible during that time..Then check in with yourself then, and leaving the "should I stay or go" question off the stove for 90 days?
What think you?
On another note, a fun one... want to be be a bada$$ boss in the kitchen...on the cheap and in your own time? Go buy "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" by Julia Child and go through the whole book, beginning to end, making every recipe... you will know more about cooking and the why's and how's than most people... and be a sexy bada$$ in the kitchen.
Hang in there!!
Last edited by TSquared2; 01/19/1502:00 AM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Can never ever go wrong being a kitchen bada$$! I am sure I started dating one of my boyfriends because he made a gourmet lunch for us out of what looked like nothing in his fridge.
Tsquared - thank you for the great tip about the 90 day self-check in. I think I can apply that one to a few places. Non-issues = more head space.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
MCS, Zelda, T2- thanks for the check in and all the sound advice. Honestly, I' just having a bad day-a really bad day, I haven't cried this hard since sometime before Christmas. What I need to do is to not let my bad day turn into a bad day for me and her, which is whats been happening every now and then. What triggered the bad day was that she ended up deciding to leave our dog with her "roommate" while she's gone at this internship. Last Friday, she was on the way to ship the dog to me, but the Airport People told her that the crate we were shipping her in was too small, so we couldn't ship the dog. We rescheduled for tomorrow, but she now decided not to ship her and just leave here there. This just hurt me a lot, and I got upset, and I let that show. Because now she's leaving our dog with OM instead of me. I texted and apologized for getting frustrated/upset, but she didnt say anything.
Again, Im just tired of this being a one-way street. But all of you hit it on the head, Im doing this on my own, Im free to call it quits anytime, I'm just not ready to throw in the towel. If she comes crying to me, and I want to help her then ok, but I should not expect her to do the same for me. I need to find someone else to bounce my frustrations off of, not depend on my W to ask me or help me through it, at least not right now. And I need to stop expressing so much how I feel to her, because she's not ready for it. If I keep doing this, she'll get even more frustrated and I'll really be set back a few weeks.
This internship, Idk how it will be for her. It puts her in a completely unfamiliar environment by herself, so I can see it really giving her some pause for reflection, but who knows. This journey she is on will take a long time, to find herself. Even longer because she is so indecisive. It is up to me how long I am willing to wait. My 90 day mark will be my birthday in April, and I will re-evaluate then.
My Goal for this week? STFU and BITE MY TONGUE NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS/DOES. See how that works instead of expressing my feelings.
Oh, and sometimes I feel like I just need a break from all this...like a week of NC just to clear my head, but then I wonder...I really don't want to go a week without talking to her...Idk. I drive myself insane, and I am far from detached.
Last edited by TLEE86; 01/19/1504:38 AM.
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
I need to find someone else to bounce my frustrations off of, not depend on my W to ask me or help me through it, at least not right now. And I need to stop expressing so much how I feel to her, because she's not ready for it. If I keep doing this, she'll get even more frustrated and I'll really be set back a few weeks.
^^^^ There ya go ^^^^
Come here, maybe see an IC, pastor/priest to work things out... Do you have a friend or two who "get" what you are trying to do here (maybe people don't, unfortunately)?
Do you have Sandi's 37 rules memorized?
Quote:
And I need to stop expressing so much how I feel to her,
Yes...because she knows how you feel, so you repeating it is clingy and pressuring and probably pushes her away. Let go of her pants leg...
What does detachment sound/look/feel like to you? And actually, I prefer the term non-attachment... a quote from a blog I read this weekend:
Quote:
So then what is non-attachment in a loving, committed relationship? My understanding of attachment is that it’s not about what we have or don’t have, but what our expectations of them are. As unenlightened people, we live with a persistent delusion that people and things will provide us with more happiness and satisfaction than they really can. And this is where we get tripped up.
…real contentment can only come from within ourselves. A partner can’t provide that for us, and to expect it will only lead to disappointment.
So for example, how much am I using my partner’s love to fill a void in my own love and acceptance of myself? A truly healthy individual is one who is complete by herself, and doesn’t need to depend on anything or anyone else to feel whole and content. I don’t mean we should go it alone and isolate ourselves from others. I mean simply not to depend on someone or something external to me as a necessary condition for my happiness.
Hang in there!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hey TL, thought I'd stop by as we have a mutual friend in T2.
This cr@p is hard, really, really hard. No doubt about that.
So, wanted to write about a few things, if that's ok. First thing is that this isnt a one size fits all kind of a thing. We have to tweak it to fit us and our sitch. So, take what you think applies and drop the rest.
Having said that, I think there are basic things that apply to all. Galing, detaching or non attachment as T2 calls it, dont go down cheeseless tunnels, etc.
I can feel you feeling that you dont have much control in all of this. But it's important to understand that you have control over your part of the journey - whether to quit or not, whether to grow or not, whether to accept or not. What an opportunity you have, what great lessons you can learn.
You have power in all this.
You have choices you can make. You can choose how to behave, what to feel, how to love.
I will tell you this. No matter what happens, you will not regret that you stood if you do the work.
You will not regret that you were someone who loved so much you were willing to let your spouse find her way.
There are no guarantees except this one: You will not regret that you stood when you are able to look back and see that you acted with dignity and courage and strength.
You need to really embrace the fact that you are trying to let go of your wife in order to allow her to figure herself out.
I wrote this about detaching or letting go.
"There are reasons why your spouse feels the way he or she does. Some of them are true, some not, but they are their feelings so they are valid to them.
When you keep on telling her how you feel, you are invalidating her feelings. You are telling her, I know the words you are saying, but they are wrong, because I want you and I want to work on the marriage. Doesnt matter what you want or what you feel, it only matters what I feel.
I get the hanging on for fear that they will move away if you dont. But picture someone holding onto your pants leg as you are trying to move away. You keep shaking your leg to get them off, but, they wont go. So you shake harder and move further away, all in trying to stop them from hanging on.
When you db, you are saying, I hear you. I hear that you are saying you dont want to be married, you dont know how you feel, etc. I hear you. You dont have to agree with it, but, you do have to respect their feelings.
When you make changes it means you heard them. When you give them space…you heard them.
You also give them the opportunity to think. They arent hearing the noise of your words, because that is what it is to them at this point.
It is a mindset, you know. A choice, this letting go. It is a way to honor your marraige.
It is saying that I hear what you are saying, I see that you are hurting, I understand that you need to do this and I love you enough to support you.
It is in the holding on by us, that can stop the forward motion in them. They cannot be free to take those steps, if they are looking over their shoulders at you.
An amazing thing happens when you finally do let go. They feel lighter, but, so do you. You are no longer bound by their actions or their words. You are no longer tied to their emotions. And so, you are free to find your path, your voice, your strengths.
Letting go doesnt mean you dont love them, it means you love them very much.
But what it really says is that you honor you, and trust in you, have faith in you. So much so that you are willing to do the work, find your way, become who you were meant to be. And that maybe, you will find your way back to each other. And if you don’t, you will be ok."
I just wanted say something about being a fixer. I know that it may seem like she changed the rules. When I was first married, I liked that my h took care of me. I had come from a difficult family and it was nice when he did that.
Over time, though, as I grew, it started to bother me. It seemed like he was feeling as if I wasnt capable. Maybe some of that was in my head. But I realized I wanted a partner. Someone who would work with me to figure things out. It seemed to me like he swooped in and fixed stuff without regard to whether I needed that.
I know his heart was in the right place. At least I hoped it was. But I began to feel more and more like he just didnt respect me, like he thought I couldnt handle things and it made me feel really small.
I would imagine it was a hard thing for him to figure out how it made me feel as I didnt express it
But over time it really diminshed me and how I felt about myself.
I wanted him to work with me to find a solution because he respected my opinion and my abilities. The taking care of me part that I enjoyed was the little things that he would do to make me feel special and not him taking over and fixing situations and things that I was capable of doing.
I know that your head is spinning because of all you are reading, what your db coach told you, what we are telling you. Can get you a little crazy, right?
Follow your gut, TL. You know your wife best. No one thing that you say or do is going to make or break this. Try something, see if it works, then readjust as needed.
I do think that you need to let go some. You are still really wrapped up in letting her words and actions affect yours. It's a process. It takes time.
When it gets really tough, take some time, back away, regroup, find some peace in whatever way you can at that moment.
When you are ready, get back on your path. Dig deep, find your footing, stand strong.
T2, uRworthy, thanks for the check ins and the words of encouragement.
The next week I'll be on and off here, work is keeping me excessively busy right now.
URworthy, your post really resonated with me, especially the part about his you knew H was having good intentions but somehow came off as making you feel really small. It is hard when nobody expresses that. I didn't know I was controlling of making her feel that way, especially since my W is by nature very indecisive. So it's easy for me to take charge and things get done, and when she doesn't complain, I just think it's all ok. Now I realize my actions.
--------------- Something else you said about knowing my W best, and if it's not working try something else, I guess Idk if it's working. I've gotten my W nice to me and talkative, but idk I this is pulling her away from OM or giving her the best of both worlds. It hurts me to know that they text all day. And yet W can still call me like nothing. I know it's not a PA but EA is almost worse...you say when I'm having a rough day to pull back..and I want to. To just stop talking to her for a while to give her something to miss...but why do that if my WAW is now texting and calling me when she didn't want anything to do with me before?
She called me today and told me she might not go to her internship now, because she got a job interview at a vet office.. So she might take te job and get her own apartment soon...how can someone be so indecisive. I mean, she quit her other job, to go to this internship, now 3 days away from going, she decides she mught not go? Yet she calls me for advice? I'm getting so tired of her indecisiveness...and still wondering if talking to her is the best thing to do. Immakingmyself more unavailable, sometimes pickin up her calls, sometimes waiting longer periods before texting her back, but should I even engage her in conversation when I know there is an ongoing EA that she denies?
So frustrated...
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
So, do you think its reasonable that for someone who is so indecisive in something as small as a job, is so decisive that she wants out of the marriage? That's a rhetorical question....
Keep your head up, do the work you need to do. Your W is distracted with OM and is trying to systemically go through and define things one at a time.
Job/Internship is in front of her face.....M and OM is 'safe' right now. Don't push too hard, I think just like my sitch; she's going to need a lull from all of these other decisions for the reality to set in and her to think about your M.
I get impatient too, my W just moved into her House right before Xmas and I was already trying to convince myself that she's in a lull. Well, I see that all the big decisions she made right after BD have died down, so I think she's back to full court press for OM. I'm going to need to wait for that to play out or dissolve before anything would happen.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Job/Internship is in front of her face.....M and OM is 'safe' right now. Don't push too hard, I think just like my sitch; she's going to need a lull from all of these other decisions for the reality to set in and her to think about your M.
Her thinking the M is safe means I am not DBing correctly, right? Isn't part of the point of DB to show you are moving forward and to focus on yourself and to make the WAW feel loss?
She doesn't feel te M is in jeapordy because we talk so much, and everything is 'chummy,' most of the time. There's only some times where she gets upset with things and how they are. Which again, is why I wonder why DB coach continues to tell me to keep up conversation with W, even if I'm trying to make myself unavailable. I feel like I always touch on this subject, because I constantly question how much I should be engaging her in conversation when she is in an EA. I need a break
ME: 28 W: 24 M: 2.5yrs T: 5yrs BD: 22 SEP 14 W Leaves: 5 OCT 14
