Smokes, you guys! YOU are the strong ones! You were so strong for me! Thank you. Got me through, yet, another tough one.
That just made me think... I wonder how xh gets through these tough times? I mean... no wonder he is so stuck and mixed up right now... he doesn't have- YOU! (or any support system )
So... he came back last night. He knew I was having a rough time. It was nice he came back- and we were able to talk!
He told me he avoided the conversation bc he didn't want to stop seeing me and the kids (I guess he means free range with the kids?). So he avoided it. Then he said the last couple of days, he thought about it and thought it was a good idea to have space and that he needs to stay focused on the kids. (However his actions indicate the same behavior).
Now... the gut wrenching part- the part that made me break out into an all-over sweat (I know, gross).
He said he can't guarantee 100% that he won't go back to hww.
Say what??!!
Now it was really mixed up how he was saying it. He said he can't say that bc he does not know what will happen in the future as now he is focusing on the kids. All of them.
But then he said he wouldn't (kind of, in a way said it) go back, because he won't forget how things went down. To me this implied he was ok with the sitch, until things went down at the end (with my kids and how she handled it).
So I asked, if he got over that or if things went down differently, would it be different? (I know, too many questions- but I was confused... and remember.... sweating profusely). He said he wouldn't forget how she acted towards him when things were tough. He would sit in the basement (I guess it was pretty empty except his weight bench and he would always sit down there) and be upset about his r with the kids and how she would get upset at him and say that he cant let it ruin what they have there.(He told me this before) He said he can't forget how she wasn't (I can't remember exact words) supportive or compassionate of what he was dealing with. So because of that, I guess he wouldn't go back, but on a different note, can't say 100% sure that he would never go back.
WTF?
OK, I think I will just write that off as crazy-head. And, it only give me more momentum to back the f off.
What I see the sitch as, is back a year ago (only WAY more screwed up now)... him at a place where he was supposed to figure himself out. Yet, he had his distraction. And he had to chose what he wanted. (I thought marriage or not, didn't know the choice was her or me).
But I don't want to be in a position again waiting on him. Not when there is a choice involved. If it were waiting on him to "heal" or whatever, I could wait and see what we are working with. But a choice between her or me. No thanks. Not gonna happen. I do not want to be in a position where a man has to chose between me and another woman. Particularly the man who was my husband and his mistress. Grrr....
It sounds pretty mess up, I know. I feel good about getting my own self back on track. Back where I was. And the way I see it, he is stuck. He has legal/custody things to finalize with her, yet he isn't finalizing things that could hand should have been done a long time ago. Like the rest of his stuff, mailing address.
And, since he is always there, I feel like he had one foot in the door here, and one there. He really needs to knock it off. He needs to see the reality of the sitch he is in. Alone- not at all his baby mommas' houses. This is not reality. He is stuck. He will not see reality until he faces it. He can't do that in the position he is in. So, if I have to cut him off here, so be it. And if that means he feels at home there and goes back... so be it.
He says he wants to stay out of the drama- he is the drama.
So we decided last night that we would think about a schedule for him to see the kids (difficult when they are older, but we will figure something other than what we have now). I wish he would get one for the other one too, but that's not my ball game. We are supposed to discuss it today.
So, here is the interesting part. He texted me this morning to tell me he was going over there to be with the baby bc hww is taking her son out.
OK, so that seemed like a lot of info. Not sure why he told me, as all week, he kept it under wraps and I never asked a word. He said he did not want to feel like he had to report to me, yet, I have never said anything about him going there since the baby has been here. (Referring back to when we had open communication).
I'm confused. I know he is. I didn't respond. I don't even know what to say! I am sure today will be only more confusing for him. He will get the results confirming it's his. I think this will only make him feel even more guilty.
But- I am focusing on me now. I wrote out the things I needed to address in our conversation. I have a tendency to forget or digress. It is better for me to write it out so I can focus on the task at hand. Scatter-brain much? Yes, I was dropped on my head as a baby. Ha! No joke..... by that I mean- don't make any jokes.
I am also feeling a little more ready for getting back to gal. It's amazing how much better you feel when you aren't waiting around for someone.
And that's the ticket. I realize it's only been a few hours, but I've been down and up so much in the past year that I realize that when you are waiting on someone else, it hinders your ability to gal. To think about what you want- because you are focused on someone else- thinking that's all you want. But, what if that person wants something you don't. Well, that's a scary place to be.
If I keep moving, I think the odds of one of two things happening increase. He moves away from me, or he moves along with me- not at the same place, but progression. There is a chance of being stuck, but I can't imagine him being stuck like this forever. It's not him. But, what the heck do I know?
Going back to reread all of the posts from last night. That's good literature!
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