You wouldn't believe the crazeee I unleashed on Smokey for months and months and he still peaked out of the tunnel and gave his lame attempt at reconciliation...AFTER all the crazeee.
In the end, I'm not sure it makes a whole helluva big difference what we do or don't do. But, we still have the power if we choose to use it. This shid is so complicated.
Being a lighthouse doesn't mean contorting yourself into insane positions that break your bones and dignity. I mean, you could. You have the choice to bend and twist and allow him all of this cake eating...But, that's not being a lighthouse.
If your goal is to be the lighthouse, then think about a lighthouse...firmly footed, consistent, beautiful, a beacon of stability no matter what storm is raging. Remove him from the equation for now...just focus on how to get YOURSELF to this place. How do you get that? How do you BE that?
Right now, he is unable to steer his ship TO the lighthouse. He is a nightmare on acid...and then some.
Give him the gift of goodbye for now. Step back, regain some perspective.
When Smokey took his short-lived vacation from crazee-land, I hung onto him with all my strength. I gave him everything I had. I squeezed every bit of clarity that man had outta of his skin with my fear, anxiety, abandonment issues...I was the crazy person on the shore screaming "Pick Me!"
I did more damage to myself and the kids.
I have an extra bedroom if you need to get away. The north country is beautiful this time of year. I could meet you halfway or even come to Buffalo. I'm in a much better position to meet up than I was a few months ago.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
