The rollercoster that never stops

[Karma12]

Hi all,

I've been reading posts here for quite a while and initially posted a month or so ago on Newcomers. I find though my stich is definitely more suited here.

I've learned a lot reading DR plus all the threads Cadet attaches.

This was my second marriage. My h started showing signs of what I thought was depression when he was turning 40. We had just won custody of his daughter (9 at the time) his Dad had just passed away from cancer and he lost his job.

I was becoming the primary parent as my H started to check out. He got a new job that involved traveling without talking to me about it and started travelling to Eastern Europe every six weeks for 10 days. I found him more and more distant each time he came home.

I was worried about him as he was disengaged not just with me but with life. He spent little time with the daughter he fought to have. He withdrew from his sister, friends and spent most of his time in his office in our basement. I tried to get him to go for IC and MC. I tried to get him to do things that he used to do. He was not very nice to me most of the time although he would still want Intimacy.

I was doing more and more on my own or with my SD. ( My kids are grown) I've always been independent so I instinctively started to GAL.

Finally came BD. He wasn't happy in fact he was miserable with our relationship. I was very upset because I had tried and tried to reconnect and he was miserable alright...he was miserable period!

I didn't beg or plead but I did try and get him into MC. He went 3 times. He was late each time and when he refused to come to the forth appt. The MC asked me why I wanted to stay with someone that had let me down so many times.

We sperated and I moved into a condo of my own. Once I had dropped the rope he was being more friendly and flirting. It was very confusing for me. Fast forward three months and he moved his OW from Eastern Europe into our house. My SD was horrified to come home from a vacation and find a stranger living in the house. I still see my SD. I have known her since she was two. This explained why each time he went away he became more and more distant. They broke up for good this past June and she moved out.

We are not divorced. neither of us has filed. I noticed he was becoming more chatty and friendly after she moved out. He seemed more like his old self. We spent some time together during pick ups and drop offs. He asked me to go for dinner for his birthday in Sept, then again for my bday in Oct and SD's bday in Nov. He would Hug me hello and goodbye. I thought maybe he's making his way out of the tunnel and the fog is lifting.

In Dec he was still friendly but I noticed a pull back. Although he did buy me a small Xmas gift from SD for the first time in 3 yrs. I sensed he was dating someone. It was confirmed that he was by SD Grandma. She didn't want to see me hurt.

I went dark. He thought I was mad so he asked me to meet him for coffee Jan 1. I was surprised that he asked me as he usually avoids conflict. We talked about what happened in our marriage and I talked about how I had been worried about him at that time. He recognized my efforts to reconnect that he had dismissed. That we had had no deal breaking issues before BD. He was emotional and cried for the first time ever about us. I had only ever seen him cry about his daughter before he won custody. He said that he still had feelings for me, was still attracted to me didn't want to not have me in his life didn't want us to be strangers but.....he still wants to date others, he's curious. Then he said " I really am in a MLC" I told him I didn't want to be his plan B. He reached across the table held my hand and teared up again. He said you were always my rock. You are amazing. He did also say he wasn't proud of his behavior and his bringing the OW here was a huge mistake. There was no anger in this convo. We had to cut it short as SD was waiting at home for him. We hugged goodbye and went home.


I decided to go dim after this convo. I realized he still has a ways to go though his tunnel. I've been continuing to GAL. We have had no contact since Jan 1. /15 . I have had contact with SD but not through him. As Cadet says they don't notice until you drop the rope and move on. He has always admired my values but now I question his. SD still doesn't get the attention she should and is often home alone ( she's 13 ). Her bio Mom passed away 6 mths after we split. H doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't want a committment. I'm not going to let him cake eat. I am moving forward in my life. If he decides to catch up that's up to him.

On the Newcomers page most don't understand MLC. It's different than the usual LBS. Sorry this is so long. I tried to be concise.