All those people that seem so put together? Composed? I don't buy it. We ALL get the way you're talking about.
I'm sure you felt a little better once you got it out. The heart pounding etc? Yep. Been there and done that. Many times.
What stands out is the expectations you have. Expectations of him being there for you when he can't even be there for himself.
You are close to a person who's broken. It can be infectious if you're not careful. Seriously.
But why would anyone think you should be different? I mean, you are in the midst of taking a chance. With all the hair-raising thrills and chills that go with it. It's fraught with danger, confusion, and unknowns.
It's hard. There will be days like this.
The trick is to figure out when to get that space. When to pull back. And when not to. The reason you would or wouldn't is if you're authentically YOU.
The other thing to realize? It's not all about him. We've been telling you that, but it's hard to see sometimes.
The anxiety, anger and general not knowing what to do next? Par for the course, Mighty.
When you detach from the outcome, it smoothes out the ride. When you embrace the unknown and turn it back into a mole hill, it becomes less scary. What's left is a confident and strong woman who's been there and done that and left nothing on the table. Not just a survivor, but a thriver.
Facing the unknown is difficult. You are, overall, handling it admirably. Better than most in a short time.
You want what you want. It's good to know what you want, because that's the basis for what you're going to do next.
But don't cheat yourself of the overall pot of gold. Stand and face your fears and uncertainties. Try your best to do so with grace and dignity. And don't beat yourself up along the way, Mighty.
Regain your perspective. The big picture. Look at things from a 10 year perspective looking back. See yourself in that view and be gentle with yourself. Perspective will help you see who and what you are and what you are doing and why. It'll also help you when you get to these kind of days. It'll help you see you have some unresolved things to deal with (can I get a "duh"?)
And that's OK. So is having some times when you ask "why?" or "what for?"
Tomorrow's a new day for you. What's it going to be like? Better I suspect...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
