I guess I'm having a bad night. Crying. Trying to rationalize why he's not worth crying over and how I deserve better than this and what he's done.

If I rationalize it, I feel like I'm drowning in emotions I'm suppressing. It hurts and I ache and I feel restless and horrible.

If I let myself feel it, missing a man I consider my twin essence and soul-mate for whom I feel unconditional love, no matter what either one of us has done to the other, it just gouges into me until missing him makes me drown, too. I feel like I'm itchy all over and I want to peel my own skin off because it just hurts.

I don't know how to get over these things. I feel so abandoned and I just want to have a temper tantrum. How could it be that after 10 years together he's okay with just walking away?

ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies