Don't want to hijack your thread so if you are interested in my sitch it is in newcomers 'do I tell him all I know'. I am bored with my own sitch by now!
I didnt realize your H lived in Russia.
Are you providing for any of his needs?
How detached are you and how can you detach even more.
The thing is these affairs seem to go on as long as they last, and the script seems to be that when the light of day hits that is when they fall apart.
Sorry you are bored with your sich. What can you do to keep moving forward.
Sonas, read you post on Linda’s thread. Just catching up on your story. I see lots of similarities with my M and my GF’s story, in different ways thought.
My H always was very social and wanted to go out for drinks. When we traveled, he wanted to visit every local bar. I was with him, but he could also go on his own and meet people and have a conversation. The dynamics between you and your H sounds very similar to what I had in my M after a few years into the M. I would say I was also emotionally immature and didn’t know how to resolve the conflicts except to confront him, blame him, cry and yell. He always tried to avoid any conflict. I need to say that it was not like that at the beginning of our M. We used to be able to talk to each other honestly and openly. After some years of not addressed needs and some resentment on both sides, we started to have difficulties in communication.
My H told me all these words, that he loved me but was not in love with me, that we grew apart, that we had nothing in common (WHAT?!!!), that I didn’t like to things he liked to do, etc.
There is another similarity between us. I’m also a very good snoop. I was thinking about the fake profile on the dating site and I would have done the same as you did. But, H never activated his profile. I guess he set it up when he was drunk or desperate, or whatever. I don’t think he ever messages anyone, because he would have to pay for the access, and he didn’t.
I have a lot to say about similarities of your sitch with my GF’s (who is russian), like I mentioned, in a different way. I will come back to post my thoughts on this.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Sonas, thanks for posting on my thread. It's nice to meet you but really I am so so sorry that you find yourself here.
To read someone's posts, first click on their name, and then on "view posts" in that little box that comes up. A list of all of their posts will pop up in reverse chronological order.
I just read your thread, and ugh, what a horrible story. Your H sounds a lot like my ex, charming a bunch of foreign women with a pack of lies. Mine became almost obsessed with Russia and Russian women for some reason. He never told his potential OW that we were "amicably separated" like yours did, mine tried to get sympathy by telling them that I have been cheating on him our entire married life, but he stayed with me for the sake of our sons (whom he neglected to mention are 29 and 40 years old ). Your H sounds really depressed to me, and does seem to have a lot of the "symptoms" of mid life crisis.
You left off on your thread last July, saying your H was coming home for a visit in a couple of weeks. What happened then, how did it go?
And Sonas, please do not spare a speck of sympathy for his current OW. An honorable truly "nice woman" would NOT allow herself to be manipulated into an affair with a man she knows is married. I suspect from your spelling that you live in England or Canada. I'm not sure about your H's OW, but my H has had many Russian OW, mostly EAs, and every one of them was desperate to leave Russia and come live in another country. I wonder if that is "your" OW's motivation?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Hi Cadet, Thanks for stopping by my thread and I really appreciate your input - your questions are always thought provoking.
I live in Ireland with my children and have always lived here with my H. In the recession of the late 80's, early 90's my H went to Moscow with an Irish company to work - for about a year and a half -6 weeks there followed by 2 weeks at home - we got used to this routine and life was relatively easy for him overthere, the company organised his accommodation, paid all his bills and he even had a driver. Our children were very young and we had three children then, the youngest was a newborn. He loved coming home and we were happy. Ultimately the company offered him a directorship in Ireland and after a year we moved to the West of the country where he would be based.
His company went into liquidation in 2010 and for two years he tried to get work at home and abroad, he is very employable, with a great CV but he felt his age went against him. In late 2012 he was invited by a colleague to go to Moscow to take up a job, he was familiar with Moscow and decided to give it a go as we have significant debt. He said that he went and is there for us (me and the kids) and to try to support us finacially - this is true.
He was only there one month when he met the Russian in a bar, he was completely depressed and suicidal at this point (he told me after the fact), he started the A with her and within a few days told her that he was married with children - I know now that he seemed to be able to show his emotions to her, crying and telling her that he didn't know how to continue - he could never do this with me. She encouraged this and painted a picture of a future with me as 'old friends' commenting on my age relative to hers. She was full of advice of how to deal with me and our children.
I dont think he bad mouthed me to her, he would say things like I am a good mother, a good woman but he was not in love with me.
He told me that he had no feelings for anything and that there were times when he hated himself.
For the first year he came home regularly, every two months and he told her (he was living with her then) that he needed this. she would hound him when he was home - constantly texting and emailing him - he would respond almost in front of me. He was infatuated and obsessed.
She introduced him to a friend who works as an alternative medical specialist - a 'magic' woman and he seems to have been very taken with her. She took him away on a trip to her clinic in rural Russia - they told him that he was going to die soon and that he should take a letter home to his wife telling her that he should be left alone.
I had been leaving him alone at this stage anyway, I told him he could have all the time and space he needed and that I supported him but not his behaviour in relation to other women. He appreciated this. He left her, saying he needed to be on his own and he got his own apartment.
Fast foward to now - he has his own apartment, he comes home infrequently, his relationship with OW is on/off and he wants to have several relationships with woman over there.
Am I providing for any of his needs? I am working on resolving our mutual debt situation, he appreciates all my work in this area. I am looking after our children and our home - he appreciates this too. When he is home, we sleep together, we make love (for the first few days, then he loses interest), I go out with him whenever he wants, am upbeat and happy, no R talks, no talks about OW. It is difficult for me to provide for his needs when he is not here but he knows I am here for him and will help him in anyway he wants.
I am fairly detached now and can see that this is slowly killing him, he has embraced his shadow self completely and does not like himself very much - I am sad for him now not for me anymore. He doesn't see a way home, both metaphorically and physcially. He cannot see a future..............
When I said I was bored with my sitch, it was most likely the wrong word, I meant that I have put it to one side and it is not my focus anymore. I am focusing on my work, my children, our home, our debt and on me too! I sometimes feel that I do not tell my sitch well or coherently and that I miss out on important information that might allow someone on the boards to help - there is just so much to say and not enough time in the day - it would be a 'book' rather than a post!
So, thank you again Cadet, please ask any questions you like, it might focus me!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi BrightFuture, Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate the time you took to respond!
What does GF mean?
Yes, we do have much in common, what you said about conflict is so true for me in our M - he would always walk away, avoid and / or deflect and I would cry, try to get him to open up and talk to me, to no avail - I just wanted to hear his point of view and his thoughts and when he wouldn't share them I would get annoyed and upset. It seems he is able to share his deepest feelings, show his emotions and talk with a strange woman he met in a bar in Moscow from the first day that they met - how can that be?
Thanks so much RosaLinda, I will try that now and see how I get on, I would like to read your thread from the beginning, I think our H's are similar and the Russian thing is strange.
My H is obsessed with both Russia and Russian women. His sympathy card was based around the fact that he had worked hard his entire life and had nothing to show for it, that he was loyal to his wife (a good woman) but there was no 'love' there (but he was having an affair, lying, cheating - where is the loyalty there?). I cant believe your H told them that you cheated - god, what are they like? Do they not hear what they are saying - how sad.
Yes, he came home last July, I acted 'As if', I didn't confront him, we got on very well. I knew he was in contact with OW and other women while he was here, it didnt annoy me, it just made me sad to witness the complete disintegration of his personality. He wore a mask while he was here with our children. He doesnt know who he is anymore. He tells me how corrupt Russia is and how he is now 'Russian'. To me that is part of it, before all of this, his integrity and honour were what defined him and I think he now feels that these traits did not serve him well - he is disappointed with life, having worked hard and as he says 'nothing to show for it. I think he feels he may as well be corrupt, may as well lie and cheat.
I live in Ireland, yes she has mentioned that she would like to travel and that in time she would like to meet his children but she is very independant, very much a cultural snob too. My H is very cultural, he is a wonderful artist (but won't produce any work - I had an idea to organise an exhibition of his work here, he did some fantastic paintings - 3 and then stopped). She told him that he needed to make up his mind and this past christmas she wanted him to go on holiday with her but he choose to come home here instead. She asked him not to contact her anymore but he did send her New Year wished and she relied saying she was happy to hear from him.
She has decided that he is 'exceptional' - her words. I do honestly think her motivation is that she has found 'true love', that they are 'soul mates' and 'meant to be together' but that his 'loyalty' and his desire not to 'hurt' people he 'cares' about is preventing their ultimate goal - he has asked her for time to see what to do for the best, she has agreed. He is so charming and manipulative, telling her that he loves her, while telling me that he doesn't know what love is,
In the beginning I asked him to commit to her, and get off the fence. His response was that he didn't want to, that he didn't know what he wanted, that he needed time and space and so I gave it to him. She has no idea that I said he should leave, she thinks I am hanging on to him for dear life..............
So, I genuinely think she is lonely, she thinks they have so much in common, that he is an honourable man in a sad situation who is trying to do right by everyone..........she believes this and it is possible that he believes it too............
Thanks Cadet - I have read everything I could find on cake eating - this is what this is, I have no doubt! But what to do about it, I don't know. He is being fatalistic.
Without going into details of our / his current sex life, there is no issue in terms of diseases. I can't really explain this very well here but he has issues. It is also not all about sex with these other women, sorry but this is too difficult to explain.
The only way I can think of to change this dynamic is to ask him not to come home again unless or until he ends these relationships with other women - I think he would / might decide not to come home. How then can I show him that I am moving forward, how would I db. Is this fair to our children? They would never see him.
But something has to happen and all the while I am concerned about his mental health.
I honestly don't know what to do. I know I could refuse to sleep with him when he is here but I honestly believe that this is not about sex, it is about intimacy that we both need. It does bring us closer and I consider it important.
The only way I can think of to change this dynamic is to ask him not to come home again unless or until he ends these relationships with other women - I think he would / might decide not to come home.
So if he doesn't come home then you will know where you stand. It would also put a lot of pressure on the OW to provide for all his needs. It is the way that affairs get broken.
). Your H sounds really depressed to me, and does seem to have a lot of the "symptoms" of mid life crisis.