I started re-working a sentimental piece of furniture, and it involved his power tools (180). I shared the result with him this morning via text, and it was an encouraging exchange. H brought up 'us' even tho I was keeping it light. I couldn't figure out a response - I wanted to be cool, but there was so much that seemed deeply important to talk about. So instead I asked if we could talk and so we did, for 40'.
I shared with him some more that I am learning and reflecting on. Some continuation of the bar conversation we had last weekend. I listened to where he is with things, which is a lot more positive, but still very intent on finding his independence and he thinks he will have to do that on his own, not in our house. He just doesn't feel like he can resist trying to focus on me again if he were to come home. I told him about the NVC stuff (from Ganb8tes thread), some parts in the video about requests being heard as demands, other things I thought I saw in us, and he agreed and started opening up about where he thought he engaged in some toxic expectations along the lines of 'you'd act like this if you loved me.' I shared a surprise with him that his truck is in road worthy shape again (I figured it would be a gift toward his independence regardless of where it was parked in the future.) He thanked me, and we had some interesting conversation on what it meant to him but also how he needs to figure out how to solve the rest of his problems without me. That he knows this is my preference for showing love, but he needs more emotional connection. I said something about how I understood that now, and it was awful to finally understand and not be able to do much about it. And he said, "no, it's not...we are more connected now than we've been in a long time. Please don't regret the fact there is some understanding here. Would you rather be married and disconnected or in a good relationship and connected? It's the people that matter, where strength is, not the label of the relationship." We talked a lot. When conversation circled around again to possibility of him returning to our home and what MC had said about it...he really caught me off guard, saying that if I had new expectations crop up and a new timeline agenda, and got into a fight before we'd really developed some new skills, that would be it for us and he didn't want to risk that.
WHOA. Big change from "I have little hope for our marriage." I cautiously asked that when he came back into town, if he would continue going to counseling and seeing me regardless of where he was living...the answer was yes. I asked if he would let me pick him up from the airport...again yes. And then he offered, maybe I can stay at home a few days. I told him I would very much like that.
So. Something is shifting. I am trying to remember that slow is fast. And that the greatest thing I can be for him is an unconditional friend and not to try to coerce or pressure him into what I want which is for us to be un-separated.
Here is how I am thinking of this...I can pursue my H emotionally, but not pursue about the relationship. One is what seems to be bringing us closer, the other is what he is getting defensive about. We are still both scared.
I was emotional distancer in our R. He's deeply feeling oriented, I'm emotionally constipated, or was before my heart was broken and I realized I seriously had some work to do...I've given him weeks of space, very little contact. He is not someone that has patience for light fluffy conversation. No R talk, and little contact didn't move anything forward. Sharing my introspection, reflection, listening to his...a connection is developing, and I have to pursue this connection - that is the 180 - he described me to his friend as 'detached' throughout the whole last couple of years - more detachment hasn't really caught his interest. And maybe he's had enough space now where there is room to have these conversations and start connecting (certainly wasn't when he was furious and walls were up all over the place.)
With that said, I think I have to continue for the next couple of weeks giving him a healthy dose of that space he went to go find, but not be afraid to reach out when it feels right either? I think he already imagines I have quite the GAL going on - this was one of his complaints actually. It can't hurt to let him know he is in my thoughts as long as I don't get desperate about it.
I am worried about so much. This process is so hard. The worries never go away, they just shift their dimensions and details.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
