I'm feeling a little better... maybe... in a way. I took a shower and got into my jammies. Gonna have a cup of tea. I just sat down feeling calmer, but I notice my heart is pounding. I didn't notice it before, and don't know if it was then.
I know I'm not a good light house. I've cried. I've yelled. I've become really frustrated. I get screwed up by him being so screwed up. I am screwed up. Him saying one thing and doing another has made me overly emotional. He's seen it. I am sure it has made him run. I have remained calm when he needed me to be strong. I have been there for him when he has needed it. But I have failed, too. I have made mistakes. I am an emotional mess sometimes. He can't handle that. Maybe I am the sirens. I have been pretty good since the baby has been here. But, I've had some moment. Moments I'm not so proud of. I just don't know what to do with all of this. I feel like I need some type of validation from him. I know better, so why do I set myself up?
I read about people here, who are calm, gracious, put-together. They can pull this stuff off. Why do I flip out? He doubts everything about me because of my moments of weakness. He can't handle it. So now, I wonder if he is going there to her for the calmness and security.
I have been very strong for many days. He does not see this. The weak ones stick out. And, he is so super sensitive, he takes a lot of things wrong... so sometimes, he thinks more of situations than they actually are.
